The Eighth Page

Musings of an SAT Proctor

My god, this has got to be the worst job in the world. The only thing more tedious and boring than taking the SAT has got to be intently watching a group of teenagers take the SAT. This is the ultimate incentive to do well on the SAT: if you don’t do a good job, you’re never going to escape them. I read the instructions like always. Fill in the bubble, don’t flip between sections, blah blah blah. I asked if anyone had any questions and the weirdest thing happened: somebody actually had a question. Honestly, name one time that has ever happened. I didn’t even answer the question. I just stood there speechless… I didn’t see that one coming. We’ve got a cougher. You know, that one kid who sniffles, clears his throat, and drips all over the place. He’s producing mucus out of all outlets and nobody, I promise you, feels the least bit sorry for him. Just caught a kid with a #3 pencil. He must be the only person in the world with a freaking #3 pencil. Into Section Three and getting a little tired of hiding this magazine behind War and Peace… I’ve always got to plan my book according to the school. At Andover High I just let the Sports Illustrated show it’s colors, or maybe I busted out Harry Potter. It has to be one of those really thick ones towards the end of the series though. Much classier. Why is that one girl dressed all nice to take the SAT? Does she know nobody cares? Oh wait, it’s a distraction. Less competition! Well played, slutty shirt, well played. Five minute break! I’m going to take the batteries out of one kid’s calculator and turn another kid’s cell phone on. Just did it. His ring tone was the Nokia theme. Needless to say, it was slightly disappointing. However, calculator boy cried… jackpot! You would think that someone who would cry over a calculator at the SAT would be the same type of person to bring more than one. There are some things you can’t learn from a practice test, sucka. CHEATING! But look at this kid… he obviously needs it… I can let this one slide. CHEATING AGAIN! What the hell? With that lacrosse jacket and those Timberlands… come on kid, just take the sports scholarship and leave the rest of these kids alone. Second five minute break. The kids are talking about the test… what’s the point? It’s done! There is no way you can possibly ever flip back to other sections… oh wait… What did the guy third row back get on his SAT? Drool. What the hell is that twelve-year-old doing here? That kid probably just learned to read yesterday, jeez. Four hours into the test… what are all the things I could have done in four hours? A. Ran in a charity run. B. Gone to cooking class, ot everything I needed at the store, and made the best meal of my life. C. Gotten a full college degree from the University of Phoenix. Whatever. At least I get to go to the track tonight and spend the money I made from this gig like it’s gonna rot. – Sara Alban