Dear Mommy and Daddy, Here marks day five at the University of Phoenix Online. Just to get the ball rolling, let me start by saying you guys did not need to send me to Arizona to attend this school. I showed up at the “Main Office,” and it was just two guys on computers making fun of people’s “Criminal Justice-101” essays. Apparently all I needed was a computer. You didn’t have to sell all my possessions and liquidate my savings bonds to buy me a plane ticket. I’m starting to think that you guys just wanted me out of the house, and its really starting to make sense. I’m starting to think that all those times Dad said, “Get out of here, we don’t want you here anymore,” he was actually trying to tell me something. Anyway, I found some other kids who were experiencing similar predicaments, such as Brent, the 28-year-old self-proclaimed “Final Fantasy XI-aholic” and “The Comedian,” Carrot Top. These folks, along with many others, were sent here because their parents wanted them to get out of the house or, in Carrot Top’s case, get him to stop practicing his material in front of them. We all have made home in nearby housing, or as the school likes to call it, “The Motel 6.” Let me tell you something about college life: it totally makes up for you two having tricked me into moving from Ontario to Phoenix just so Dad can turn my room into what he referred to as “the pleasure dungeon.” I mean, my experience is so much like that song “I Love College.” Like, last night we had a party that really was crazy, and I really wish we did tape it. If we did we would be able to have visual record of the marathon game of Twister and the ghost stories we told. Also just like in the song, a few days ago I had this one girl completely naked, and it was great. Well, it was great until my laptop died. But I must say, despite the trickery and court orders to get me to leave your life, I do miss you guys. College is harder than I thought it would be ,and it makes me miss sitting at home on the couch for eight hours a day, watching the Home Shopping Network while you guys would try to report a robbery at our house and tell the cops I was the culprit. I do miss you guys. I didn’t keep myself from moving out because it meant I would get free room, board, utilities, food, cable and all the free homemade porn I wanted; the reason I never left was because I liked spending time with you guys. And I know that in between Mom’s mumblings about how she wished birth control had been cheaper in the eighties and Dad’s rants about how he wished I hadn’t been vaccinated, you guys liked me being there too. I hope this letter finds you in good health and won’t come back with a strong scent of ammonia like the last one. And I hope you don’t miss me too much! Love always, Rocco -Ben Nichols
