The Eighth Page

Chit-chats from a Soup Kitchen

Student: Okay, so what’s the deal with this place? Where do I get my soup? Soup Kitchen Manager: Actually, you’re going to be serving food today, not eating it. This is a place where people who don’t have a lot of money can come to get meals. Student: Oh, sorry, I forgot to mention that I’m on full financial aid. My dad said he was unemployed on my financial aid application and he hid all of his money, I’m pretty sure the school covers this for me. I can mail you a fee waiver from the financial aid office if you want. Manager: No, I don’t think you understand. These people live in far worse conditions than what people at your school are used to some of the worse conditions you can imagine, where even shelter isn’t always a part of their day-to-day lives Student: Tell me about it. I once went camping and the space heater broke. It was by far the worst Fourth of July I’ve ever had. Now, every year I just go to my lake house instead. Manager: What you don’t realize is these people don’t have luxuries like a lake house! Student: Well I can certainly see where they’re coming from. A lake house isn’t easy to upkeep, even with five maids and a lawn service! Manager: You just don’t get it. Student: No, it’s these homeless people who don’t get it. Seriously, just start a hedge fund and start earning, that’s what my dad did after he graduated from Cambridge. Anyway, let’s start this shindig, what do I do? I don’t have to touch anyone right? Manager: Well, you do get gloves to stave off swine flu. Student: Will I get it by looking at them? My mom once told me their misery was visibly contagious. Manager: Your mom sounds inconsiderate and out of touch with reality. Student: No, that’s my dad. My mom is elitist, arrogant and too drunk on Gold Leaf Vodka to comprehend what she says. Manager: Are you a Kennedy? Student: By marriage. Manager: Okay, starting over. All you have to do is ladle the soup into the bowls. Simple as that. Student: Actually, I think I’m just going to have one bowl. I’m not particularly hungry right now. Manager: Again, you will not be eating the food. You’ll be serving it. Student: Not to sound arrogant or anything, but shouldn’t they be the ones serving the food? They could probably use the money more than I could. Manager: There is no money involved. You do this as a service to the community. Student: What? I’m positive there was something in this for me. Manager: There is. A feeling of accomplishment and contribution to the community. Student: Hey! Is that guy using the Finance Section as a blanket?! I want to check how Apple is doing. Manager: You cannot take the man’s only protective covering! Student: Yeah right, like he cares what the market is doing. The only financial terms he should know are Trickle-Down and Reagan. Speaking of Trickle-Down, where are the bathrooms? Manager: You know what, I think you should just go home, you aren’t helping and are ruining the spirit of Non-Sibi day. Student: Cool, I’ll be home just in time for Glenn Beck. Manager: I hope God strikes you down. Student: Love you too! Happy Non-Sibi Day! -Ben Nichols and Billy Fowkes