The Eighth Page

Smart and Dumber

Dave: Yo, Winston, what it do, brah?? Winston: Oh, Dave. It’s… you.? Dave: What brings you to the Dean of Studies office, my good man?? Winston: Oh, just adding a course. Well, petitioning at least. I need a 7th course to bump up my resume if I’m going to be the 5th Wellington to attend Princeton. What is someone of your kind doing here?? Dave: Well, I’ve been taking Ornithology for a couple weeks, but the whole bird watching thing was pretty tough. That and they don’t technically “offer” it as a class in the fall, so it was pretty much me chillin’ in an empty classroom in Gelb. Either way, I figured I would just stay with four classes so I could keep my average above a 2.5. My college counselor said that if I want to graduate, I’d need to have as easy of a schedule as possible. I think it’s a good strategy.? Winston: Well yes, that certainly is… interesting. What college are you hoping to attend?? Dave: I don’t believe in picking favorites, man. It’s like Weezy said in one of his songs, I just go wherever the money takes me, y’know? What, you don’t listen to Lil’ Wayne?? Winston: No, my father forbade me to. He thinks it’s the devil’s music.? Dave: [Trying not to laugh] Yeah, I hear if you play one of his albums backwards, it talks about how Lil’ Wayne is gonna’ shoot lasers out of his eyes and blow up the world.? Winston: Really?? Dave: Nah, I made that up. That would be sweet though.?But yeah, I still have a week to do my apps, should be a good time. So what did you do over the summer, bud?? Winston: Plenty actually. First, I embarked on a brief two-week cruise in New Zealand to get the nerves out after the strenuous school year. After that, I interned at my father’s law firm, Sterling-Fidderman. You know, just to start setting up connections and relations with all the executives. They all call me Winny now, like the cartoon bear! Isn’t that precious? [Laughs heartily, alone] But shenanigans aside, the work must have been four hours a night, but I feel it was worth it. I didn’t have much else to do. What did you do?? Dave: Well, my band and I played a few gigs along the West Coast.? Winston: You don’t say, what is your band called?? Dave: Gonorrhea Hangover.? Winston: Ah…? Dave: But it was real fun, man. We even ran into the manager for The Killers and they let us open for them. The groupies were insane. Does your dad think The Killers are the spawn of Satan too?? Winston: Well, they’ve all killed something, yes? I suppose that’s how they got the name. So yes, I would assume so. Regardless, I prefer music along the lines of Mozart and Bach. You know, multiple university studies indicate that classical music boosts your intellectual capacity.? Dave: [Shoving pencils up his nostrils] Hold up, what?? Winston: Never mind. This is such a waste of time, waiting in this line. It’s just so long.? Dave: That’s what SHE said.? Winston: Who?? Dave: What she said. It’s so long.? Winston: No, I said that. Dave: [sighs]