The Eighth Page

Schedule Stalking

September 3 – Preparation Greetings. Dan D. Lyons here. Schedules come out tomorrow. At least that’s what my inside sources say. They better be right. September 4 – Day of glory Last night, I couldn’t sleep. I was so excited. They’re here. The only things that keep me in contact with the world outside of my parent’s Star Trek adorned basement: student class schedules. So far my Facebook cross-referencing has worked out well. I have already discovered that I am in the same Spanish class as my former crush (or “victim,” as she likes to call it), Stephanie Hart. I know our relationship will eventually blossom. I cannot picture anything sexier than her saying in a sexy Spanish accent “voy a llamar la policia si no deja de tocar mi pelo,” to which I simply respond, “Bueno.” This night is just about as exciting as any night can possibly be. The series premiere of “Jon and Kate Minus Parenting” will make it even better. I’m off to watch. I will report back at a later date. September 7 – Progress Made I’m in four classes with players from the varsity hockey team! This means that if anything, I’ll be able to walk behind them and laugh at all their jokes. It’s almost as good as them purposely including me! Also, I have fourth period lunch with Dr. Huggins, my Bio teacher. I guess I know who I’ll be sitting across from every day, and unlike this summer, it won’t be a jury! September 14 – One day left I’ve worked out a couple kinks in my scheduling. I figure if I time it right, I’ll be able to see Gabriel Allen walking to lunch from Gelb. As long as I stay in my third floor math room after class, I won’t be within 200 feet. September 15 – Day of Reckoning The day could not have gone better! I spotted this hot freshman I saw on Facebook and got her schedule on my Blackberry. I promptly met her at her third period English class, only to find that my pick-up line – “The name’s Prime, Optimus Prime” – simply confused her. However, I did sit next to one girl in my History class, Yolanda, who seemed to be more focused on getting to know me than retaining the grip on the mace in her purse. I’ve noticed this is a trait common amongst most female classmates, certain male ones, and the Head of School. I got her name, though. Nice. September 16 – Meant to Be Today while sitting next to Yolanda, I accidently let loose my schedule prowling secret when she rhetorically asked, “What do I have next?” and reached for her schedule, to which I quickly retorted: “Math 360, with Mr. Anthony, you sit in the back by the window, and you’re currently getting a solid 5.” Much to my surprise, her reaction was not that of uneasiness nor a quick jolt toward the door, but rather one of joyous surprise. She simply responded, “You’re right. Maybe you should get going or you might miss Spanish 300 with Dr. Almegar, room 210, sitting near the door, in the desk with the wobbly leg.” After which she smiled and walked out. My heart skipped a beat. September 24 — It’s Working Yolanda and I have been dating for quite some time now. We have a lot of fun talking about who we like to schedule search, how to easily memorize someone’s schedule, and, of course, various methods of searching. She searches first name, and I search first name. Could there be a better match? September 25 – The End I write now with a broken heart. Yolanda and I have ended our courtship. Much to my dismay, she broke it off, telling me she met someone else, a PG who she followed to GW. I feel like less of a man today than Andy Dick must feel every time he watches pro wrestling. I don’t know what to do. I’m going to miss her. We could’ve had some amazing children. At least I think so (I’m hoping it was just a benign tumor on her neck, not an Adams apple). Anyway, we all have to move on. I know she will (I bet I can find her though). And to close with a quote from a schedule stalking great: “Stalk thy schedules, don’t be ashamed. And be proud, for thy knowledge is great! And pass on your skills lest ye end the practice for good! Go now, search! Just don’t tell anybody, that’s just creepy.)” -Ben Nichols