Ah, summer, the most wonderful time of year. When little boys and little girls go out and frolic in the dandelion-filled valleys, parents take pictures of their babies on giant water lilies and of course, we all join together to harass our local politicians at town hall meetings. With everything that’s happened, I know the question on all your minds’ is what did I do this summer? Well, that’s a wonderful question; let’s take a look… The summer started off with college visits. I traveled to California and began with USC where I avoided being shot at, but just barely. I then proceeded onto Berkeley where a group of hippies tried to convince me to go sit in a circle and smoke dope with them, and finally saw Stanford where their intellectual superiority is plainly evident, from statues of Einstein and Edison to a sign proclaiming, “yes, we are the smartest people in the world!” These college visits ended the useful part of my summer. Now, onto the fun, relaxing, and oft-adventurous part. At my first visit to the hospital, the doctors kindly explained to me that I did not have swine flu (thank Zeus!). I simply broke my pinky toe while searching for my latest issue of Glamour Magazine, and the pain caused me to go into shock, resulting in fever and nausea. After such a horrifying experience, I decided to go for a small vacation, and take my dog for a relationship-building trip to relax and enjoy the finer things in life. We decided to attend a dog lover’s convention in Las Vegas, though he made me promise not to marry any strippers or do outrageous amounts of recreational drugs. I guess I’ll have to wait to outdo The Hangover until next time I travel to Vegas. The convention was pretty fun; we ended up meeting Michael Vick there, and spent a few days hanging out with him, his entourage and their pit bulls. What a great group of guys! We played some Madden, watched TV and gambled on some horseracing; man can that guy pick the ponies. He must have some animal betting experience. Mike introduced me to Gerard Butler, who promptly put me in the hospital after I asked him and the rest of his Scottish friends if they could teach me the Irish Jig. The Scottish really don’t appreciate being called Irish, much like Koreans will continually remind you “Me no Chinese, me from Korea!” After beating me, they went to the local pub, watched soccer and made fools of themselves. I still can’t tell the difference between Scots and Irishmen. At the hospital, I was disappointed in the lack of attractive nurses, I guess what you see on TV really isn’t real. Once I was released from the hospital, I finally went back home to Indiana, the great land of corn, basketball, and general boredom. I spent several weeks being completely useless to society, but finally decided to make something of my summer. There are several different ways to be constructive during the summer. Most people get a summer job, go somewhere and do community service, or take various summer courses. For me, it was too late to get a summer job, and I decided I didn’t really like the local community service options, and couldn’t afford to fly to Africa. My choice was simple, take courses at the local community college, or become a nighttime vigilante. So, I did what any self-respecting person would do, I created an alter ego so I could fight crime and help the community without revealing my true identity. I would tell you what I became, but then I’m afraid I’d have to kill you. -Jesse Bielasiak-Robinson
Subscribe to The Phillipian Newsletter!
Read the week’s top stories from The Phillipian, curated for your inbox. Subscribe here!