The Eighth Page

Choose Your Own Adventure!

Duane Pipe awoke from his slumber at three o’clock in the afternoon. Exhausted from a night of watching “Battlestar Galactica” and prank calling sex-lines, Duane brews a hot pot of coffee and prepares for the night to come. A phone rings and Duane finds he is six hours late for work. His boss asks him if he really values his job. For Duane to respond, “Yes, I do and I will make up the work tonight,” proceed to 1a. For Duane to respond, “Not as much as your wife values my low morals and non-discerning sexual appetite,” proceed to 1b. For Duane to respond, “Do you value your life?” and then hunt down his boss from Chuckie Cheese, proceed to 1c. 1a. Duane drives to work at Chuckie Cheese and is surrounded by screaming children and angry parents. For Duane to put up with it and die alone and unhappy, proceed to 2a. For Duane to throw the screaming children at the angry parents, proceed to 1c. 1b. Duane is fired from Chuckie Cheese, losing his income and his free tokens card. However, his friend Cletus calls soon thereafter and asks if he wants to go out tonight to have some fun. For Duane to say yes, proceed to 2b. For Duane to say no and stay home watching the new reality show “Daddy Issues of America.” Proceed to 2c. 1c. Duane is arrested and spends life in jail with his cell mate, Rick. He soon wishes it was only kids at work who were constantly poking him. 2a. Duane dies alone and unhappy. 2b. Duane puts on his bellbottoms and top hat and goes out for a night on the town with Cletus. They go to pick up their friend Rachel at her house, but upon entering the car they both make a shocking discovery. For Cletus and Duane to discover that Rachel is pregnant, proceed to 3a. For Duane and Cletus to discover that Rachel is a man, proceed to 3b. 2c. Duane watches “Daddy Issues of America” and loses all national pride and becomes Canadian. He then realizes what he’s done and asphyxiates himself on his car tailpipe, but does so with a wonderful healthcare plan. 3a. Rachel says that the baby is Duane’s and that she wants to keep it. When Duane remembers that they never had sex, Rachel says she loved him so much that she took advantage of him one night when he was passed out. Cletus meanwhile passes out from laughter. For Duane to become furious, punch Rachel in the face and leave, proceed to 6a. For Duane to accept her love and decide to marry her and help raise the baby, proceed to 4a. For Cletus to wake up and also admit his love for Duane and admit doing similar things while Duane was asleep proceed to 4b. 3b. Rachel admits she had a sex change and the two guys accept her new life. After comparing size, the three head to a club in the city. While at the club Duane meets a girl and she asks him if he wants to go to her place. For Duane to say “Yes,” proceed to 5a. For Duane to say “No,” and ask for her friend’s number, proceed to 5b. For Duane to say “No,” and tell her to take a chance with Rachel, proceed to 5c. 4a. The baby turns out to be fake and Rachel leaves Duane after taking all his money and remaining Chuckie Cheese tokens. Proceed to 2a. 4b. Duane wakes up and realizes he was only dreaming. However he looks up and sees Cletus on top of him. He spends the next few years in therapy. Proceed to 6b. 5a. Duane wakes up the next morning in a large cage wearing panda print underwear. Proceed to 6b. 5b. Duane is given the friend’s number and sets up a date. On the first date, Duane notices a mole on her lip. For Duane to assume it’s just a beauty mark, proceed to 6b. For Duane to leave the table and sneak out the bathroom window, proceed to 6c. 5c. The girl takes a liking to Rachel and they end up married. Proceed to 6a. 6a. Duane is unhappy with his bad decisions, never drinks again and loses all faith in humankind 6b. Duane wakes up very itchy. Proceed to 6a. 6c. Duane calls a friend and they end up going to a Nickelback concert. Proceed to 6a. -Ben Nichols