The Eighth Page

Features Prom Roast 2009

Rekha Auguste-Nelson ’09 and Nick Poland ’09 How many Polacks does it take to invite Rekha Auguste-Nelson to prom? Only one. Grade: 3 Kiara Brereton ’09 and Thor Shannon ’09 By the hammer of Thor, how do you keep that figure? That being said, they are possibly the hottest interracial couple since Seal and Heidi Klum. Grade: 6 Louisa Chafee ’09 and Sascha Strand ’10 These two get a good grade because Sascha’s voice is awesome. We just picture him whispering sweet nothings in her ear and we can’t help but melt too. Grade: 5+ Anthony Chau ’09 and Julie Xie ’10 Eugene Chau ’09 and Sophia Jia ’10 What are you doing, Chaus? You can’t both take random Asian Uppers to prom! Grade: 5, unless the Chaus sleep through it, which is more than likely Cassius Clay ’09 and Chloe Frechette ’09 Poor people, beware! Again! Clay makes his triumphant return to prom, this time with matching cuff links. Grade: 5, but we’re willing to go higher for a price Eric Kanter ’09 and Nadine Khan ’09 We heard OPP spent six hours washing that chalk off the sidewalk. So thank you, Kanter. And that’s not just for showing us regular guys up. Grade: 3- Alexander Cope ’09 and Abigail Levene ’09 Where do you think these two met? At the Cum Laude dinner? Running the cross-country course? Or at the bottom of _The Phillipian_ masthead? Grade: 4 Schuyler Dickey ’09 and Anabel Bacon ’09 It’s no coincidence that Dickey’s favorite food is bacon. Watch out, Anabel! He gonn’ eatchu! Grade: 6 Charlie Dong ’09 and Nathalie Sun ’10 It’s nothing personal, Nathalie. Grade: 0 John Grunbeck ’09 and Becca Bendetson ’09 Unfortunately for Grunbeck, Becca is planning on wearing a bright pink dress. Be sure to stock up on cheek makeup, John. Grade: 4 Trey Meyer ‘09 and Jill Kozloff ‘09 Trey “The Ragin’ Cajun” Meyer had originally planned on taking his sister Wesley ’11 to prom, but unfortunately for him, Lowers aren’t allowed to go. Even more disheartening–this is not the South–we have rules about that sort of thing up here. Good call going with Jill. Grade: 5 Erica Harris ’09 and Dominic DeJesus ’10 What Would DeJesus Do? Go to prom with Erica Harris, we guess. Grade: 4 Cora Lewis ’09 and Harrison Hart ’09 So this is why Harrison always got away with never making deadline. Grade: 4+ Jimmy Houghton ’09 and Michael Lozzi ’09 Everyone knows the hockey team is close, but no one could have seen this. Even more ridiculous is that these two are currently topping the list of cutest couples on How this happened, I don’t know, but they sure are cute. Grade: 7 Elias Howe ’09 and Georgina Norton ’09 They will race the buses to the hotel on foot and beat everyone with minutes to spare. Eli will PR. Grade: 5- Max Abitbol ’09 and Mari Miyachi ’10 De-merit. Grade: 0 Michael Kaluzny ’09 and Cassie McManus ’09 These people both elicit incredibly strong reactions from passersby. Every time we encounter this couple, we are taken aback by their invariably brash remarks. They’re too offensive! Grade: 3- Robert Kubacki ’09 and Liza Duble ’09 Fee Fi Fo Prom! Grade: 5 Andrew Malin ’09 and Iris Chang ’09 If the boat breaks down, Andy will jump to action and row us to safety while Iris shouts profanities into his ear. Grade: 4+ Krystle Manuel-Countee ’09 and John McKenna ’10 What? Do these two even know each other? Grade: 4- Eliza Nguyen ’09 and Phil Oasis ’09 Unlike an oasis you might see in a desert, Phil is real. Sorry, Eliza. Grade: 4- Elizabeth Patino ’09 and Lynx Mitchell ’10 This is hilarious! Her name is Lynx! Grade: 5 Abigail Pollokoff ’09 and Christopher Brozdowski (Import) Brozdowski, we have no idea what you look like, but if what says is true, you are probably the cutest guy in the world. Like a cross between a starry-eyed pouting puppy dog and a sneezing panda. Grade: 6 Greta Rossi ’09 and Alexander Du ’10 Really, Greta? Du? Grade: Yo, Dat 2. Aaron Sage ’09 and Emma Goldstein ’09 Mazel tov,! L’chaim! Goldstein will spend the evening gossiping about other couples while Sage snacks on Hebrew Nationals. Matzah! Grade: Star of David Michaeljit Sandhu ’09 and Anne Motlow ’09 The early bird gets the… Michaeljit Sandhu. Grade: 4- Zoe Weinberg ’09 and Michael Discenza ’09 All those long, hard hours of painful, grueling work in _The Phillipian_ newsroom must have brought these two together. Grade: 4- Malin Adams ’09 and Kaitlin Gaiss ’09 This should go well. Malin has over $5,000 worth of Student Council funds locked up in his checking and BlueCard accounts. Talk about a nice bouquet. Grade: 4 Chase Potter ’09 and Alissa Fromkin ’09 It’s knuckle-puck time! These two will spend the night making power plays and spending some quality time in the penalty box. Just be sure to stay away from their flying V. Grade: 5- Samuel Weiss ’09 and Danica Mitchell ’09 These two would hands down have the coolest kids ever. Just take a minute and imagine how cool their kids would be. Like, the baby would be born wearing tight jeans and Converse All-Stars. Also, Alex Kalil ’09 would be there. Grade: 5 Declan Cummings ’09 and Melissa Yan ’10 You better watch out, Melissa. De Klan is Cumming! Grade: 5, as far as racially insensitive puns go, this one takes the cake Andi Zhou ’09 and Zoe Bogus ’09 This coupling is bogus! That being said, we hope he will bring his saw and play her a passionate love ballad, preferably “Lost in Your Eyes,” by Debbie Gibson. Grade: 4 Eli Grober ’09 and Hannah Turk ’09 Hannah, we know that you didn’t really get that cast from Senior spooning. You don’t have to lie anymore. The things Eli did to you… terrible, unspeakable things… Grade: 5 Andrew Pohly ’09 and Lydia Smith ’09 Hope Lydia loves homework. Grade: 5-, which Pohly is really upset about Kyle Ofori ’09 and Marianna Jordan ’09 Kevin Ofori ’09 and Mandisa Mjamba ’10 One of these dates is not like the other; one of these dates just doesn’t belong. You know who you are… Kevin! Grade: 6/2 (Sorry, Kev) Lawrence Dai ’09 and Hannah Lee ’10 As far as we’re concerned, Features and Arts are The Phillipian equivalent of Crips and Bloods. But given the circumstances over the authorship of this article, they receive an honors grade. Grade: 6 Lindsay Newman ’09 and Tom Hamel ’10 For once, Hamel will be going to a dance with someone who will appreciate all his riotous tall jokes. Grade: 5+ Tory Marvin ’09 and Conrad Bastable ’09 We saw Tory hanging out with someone besides Conrad the other day. Every minute or so, she slowly started to lean toward the other person and hug them around their hip. Grade: 4- Kaitlyn McInnis ’09 and Chris Kreider ’10 Chris and Kaitlyn sittin’ in a tree, P-L-A-Y-I-N’ hockey! Grade: 6 James Tsay ’09 and Tiffany Li ’09 Is there any couple more overly intellectual than these two? We think not. Grade: 2 Mike Siraco ’09 and Rebecca Schultz ’09 These two are probably the opposite of an overly intellectual couple. Grade: 1 Reid Mosquera ’09 and Emily Steingart ’09 Did you hear Reid is going to prom with Reid’s girlfriend? Grade: 5- Jordan Bach-Lombardo ’09 and Berol Dewdney ’09 Their night will go viral on YouTube after Berol kicks a bowl of punch into Jordan’s face. Grade: 4 Parker Washburn ’09 and Isabelle Engelsted ’09 We imagine their night will go like this: Isabelle: So Parker, what do you think of my dress? I decided to go with this one instead of that other one I told you about. Parker: It’s nice. Grade: 5+