The Eighth Page

Musings with… Bejamin Nichols

My mom always told me never to ask a woman if she’s pregnant in case she actually isn’t. I think this rule applies even more if she’s walking out of a Women’s Clinic. “A Penny Saved is A Penny Earned.” Does this still apply when you rob a 7/11 and put the money into your bank account? Have you ever heard anyone use the word “frolic” seriously? I’m willing to bet no mother has ever said, “Honey, just let the kids go outside and frolic,” without having also frolicked in a mound of cocaine first. Did you ever watch Drew Carey’s Green Screen? Me Neither. I want to meet the person who coined the phrase “let the cat out of the bag,” and find out just what their problem was. This person saw that someone had a secret and tried to learn the said secret by invoking a made up cat stuffed into a bag. For all we know the bag could have been plastic and the cat was dying! My God! Remember those P. Diddy commercials with him riding a jet ski wearing a tuxedo? Was that his idea or did the director just think to himself “what’s the perfect blend of sportiness and doucheiness… how about wearing a tux on a jet ski? Perfect.” U2’s new album “No Line on The Horizon” directly defies the dictionary definition of horizon. If you’re an Olympic athlete, you should generally have an easy time finding a date. The only exception might be a curler. I get the feeling no girl has ever bragged to her friends, “I met the greatest guy last night; he’s a sweeper for Bulgaria.” Do schizophrenic people get confused when they see their drivers license? How long do you think it took before the movie exec who green-lit “You Got Served” was served with a pink slip? There’s a movie out there called “Anne. B. Real” about a woman who tries to make it as a rapper and uses the diary of Anne Frank as inspiration. The tagline is “Anne Frank Meet 8 Mile.” There’s no punch line here, that’s it. I wonder what would happen if Quentin Tarantino guest starred on Jay Leno? I bet the chins would do all the talking. Has anyone ever stopped to think that the Ice Cream man is just a guy in a van with no training or certification who goes from playground to playground luring in small children by playing Disney music and offering them treats? We had a guy like that back home and, let me tell you, the only treats we ended up getting from him were psychiatric counseling and awkward chats with our parents. If we all are what we eat, shouldn’t we be cannibals? And wouldn’t that mean Michael Jackson ate a 15-year-old albino boy? If Michael Vick goes blind does he get a Seeing Eye dog? Winston Churchill said never trust a man who dances. This is why he trusted FDR. Were the executives at Nick Jr. introduced the character “Face”, were they trying to appeal to kids ages 3 through 8 who love dropping acid?