The Eighth Page

Inside Reporting with: Greg Hanafin

For countless years, spring at Phillips Academy has been primarily associated with seniors frolicking across the Great Lawn, relaxing in the sun during the middle of the day, and basically doing as little mental or physical work as they can in order to get by. However, much to my chagrin, I must now convey to the entire student body that this will no longer be the case. In a recent meeting, which was attended by many important people around campus, members of the administration, faculty, staff, and a traveling circus, all of whom expressed their displeasure and feelings about the historical significance senior spring carries. While I do not know exactly what was said during the meeting, years of extensive journalism and watching “Magnum P.I.” have led me to believe that this springtime catastrophe could be the reason for such a gathering. Also, I did learn something very important. There is no such thing as a trench coat large enough to hide the fact that one kid is standing on another kid’s shoulders cleverly disguised as a ten-foot, seemingly realistic adult. Nevertheless, from rumors I had heard, I could only guess that the meeting concluded with the agreement that Upper Spring and Senior Spring would be flip-flopped for the time being. You may be wondering how one, such as myself, was able to come across such valuable information before any other student, and thus share it with the rest of you. Well, after waiting outside the meeting room, at an undisclosed location, I was able to catch up with Mrs. Chase and ask her a few questions. Me: Mrs. Chase, is it true that Phillips Academy has decided to switch Upper Spring and Senior Spring? Mrs. Chase: I’m sorry, what are you talking about? Me: You can’t hide it from me. I know what was going on in there. Mrs. Chase: I can inform you that there has never been any discussion of switching Upper and Senior Spring. Is that even possible? Me: Ah, reverse psychology. Nice try, but I am impervious to your trickery! Mrs. Chase: Never approach me again. After receiving a few strange looks from some of the other people around, I was able to silently sneak out and back onto the main campus. On my way I was able to get a few words out of current students who expressed their wishes to remain anonymous by hitting me with rocks and throwing dirt in my eyes. Although I could not get a lot out of these students, who were obviously overcome with grief when I gave them the news, I was able to get a few statements. Among them were: “What?”, “Do you even go to school here?”, “What?”, and “Just wait here a minute. I think I can get you some help. Just kidding, die.” One Upper boy even asked, “Wait, does this mean that I’m graduating?” So young, so innocent. From the responses given by these few interviews, it is clear that other students express the same concerns that I do about this drastic change. Something of this magnitude could completely change the way Phillips Academy operates. However, I must warn the students that since I have not made direct contact with the administration, it is clear that they do not want this information to get out. So whatever your teachers tell you about me being “mentally unstable” and “dangerous to be around,” it’s all just a cover up. This is a serious matter. If we don’t act fast, before you know it Senior Spring and Upper Spring will have switched, and there will be nothing we can do about it. I’m warning you. P.S. I am currently residing at the Andover Police Station. I guess the school is taking extreme measures to keep this information from getting out. Any visits would be greatly appreciated, but please, no autographs. -Greg Hanafin