The Eighth Page

Reality TV Star Spotlight!

Name: Randall Cranston Show(s): American Idol Age: 26 Randall Cranston had a very short-lived reality TV career that spanned the 45 seconds of his first tryout for “American Idol.” His attempt at a rendition of “American Pie” by Don McLean ended terribly when he became so nervous at the line, “the day the music died” that he had what doctors like to call a seizure. The young buck continued on, however, singing as if he were enjoying a Sharper Image massage chair, only to stop when Simon curtly interrupted, saying, “I can’t bear anymore of this horrid display of melody and awful dancing. Those are overshadowed only by your downright ugly face, which is stupid-looking and receiving no help from the drool running down your chin.” Paula quickly chimed in, “I have some pills that can help you with that,“ while Randy simply added, “Dawg.” When asked how he felt weeks after the incident, Randall could only reply, “Like I was having a seizure.” His embarrassing moment was quickly forgotten when the YouTube video got 3 million hits in the first day, 75,000 of which were from teaching hospitals. The video’s cult popularity meant big bucks for Randall as well as a record deal. The record was set for release in July 2006 until producers quickly realized he sounds better when he is having a seizure. This led to his latest “Brain Dead” tour, in which he goes on stage only to be attacked by strobe lights and ambient noise, inducing a seizure and thus some excellent music. Name: Kristie Comontopolis Show(s): Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, Charm School, Rock of Love 2, 95 percent of VH1’s lineup Age: 30 and wrinkly Everyone remembers Kristie, whether it be from that time when she vomited on two of Bret Michaels’ “love prospects” after drinking a handle of rum and a pint of gasoline, or when she was voted off of “Flavor of Love” and tried to attack Flavor Flav’s dog during a subsequent meth binge. She has laid dormant in our minds since VH1 filed a cease-and-desist against her after she forced one girl to drink Drano because she had kissed Bret first. While she fell from grace after that fateful episode, she did not lose her hope. Kristi recently explained her brash behavior in an interview with MTV News: “The problem was that I felt too pressured on stage. Like, whenever I saw another girl on the pole all I wanted to do was choke her so Flav would love me more! But I realized it’s okay because he’s a Gemini, I’m a Gemini, and one of my daughters’ names is Gemini, so I know it’ll work out in the end.” Name: Agnes Blackwall Show(s): Real World Age: 79 Agnes was a member of the cast of “Real World: Hoboken.” She was deemed “out of place” by some in the house, as she was on average 50 years older than them. When asked why she decided to go on the show, Agnes promptly put in her teeth and replied, “I just wanted to start getting real.” Soon the house got used to her, and its residents enjoyed her hand-knit sweaters, freshly baked pies, and old-school semi-racist sass. There was some tension, however, when Tina stole one of Agnes’ hair brushes and Agnes decided to sleep with her boyfriend. After a vicious tongue lashing and a stabbing with a knitting needle, the dispute was settled. After “The Real World,” Agnes tried several other career paths. After her attempts at being a Wal-Mart greeter and a “Price is Right” contestant, Agnes gave up on a career and went into a retirement home. Her current state is hard to gage, as she is senile. However, she did tell us that the aliens have not landed yet and that her pet giraffe is arriving by mail within a few business days. While Agnes is not expected to see next year, she will always live on in our hearts as one of the most beloved characters on reality television. Her warm personality, sand paper-like skin, and “I’ll cut ya” attitude made her a mainstay of the airwaves. -Ben Nichols