The Eighth Page

Billy Fowkes’ Original Vice Presidential Speech

Hi there, Bill here. Upon being elected Vice President, I found it quite ironic that the original draft of my speech foreshadowed the actual election results. Twas strange. For you all, the voters, I have therefore attached this copy of my original All School Meeting speech: Good morning everyone, My name is William John Fowkes, but you, of course, can call me Billy. Or Joe Biden, Jr. Or Dick Cheney. Or just Cheney. I am a three year upper from Woburn, Massachusetts, and I live on campus as a local boarder. If I had to describe myself in a few words or brief phrases, I would probably choose, oh… I don’t know, something like “vice-presidential” or “natural born fill-in leader,” or maybe “the person in the school with by far the second best leadership abilities,” just to name a few. But don’t get me wrong, I don’t want my number of friends on facebook to overshadow important qualities that more accurately describe the type of second-hand man I’ll be if chosen by you. First off, I consider myself a follower. I like to follow in the footsteps of a leader, and that’s why I think I should come in second. Whatever you do, do not make me number one. I am not here to win. I am here to kind of lose. So the question is, how do we do this? Well in order for this to happen, all of you cannot vote for me. I am here today to convince only a certain amount of you that I am the best man for the job of president. That way, I should be a shoo-in for number two. Based on the algorithm I came up with last night, I need votes from 1/8 of all undecided voters in addition to all of my supposed “supporters.” Moving past the speech aspect of this whole “speech” thing, let’s make this into a little one-way conversation. Let’s say you ask me, “Hey Billy, what do you think about the number two position?” To answer you, I would say the following: “The number two position is great; it’s very relaxing. It’s definitely much more comfortable than the number one position. Plus, you get to let a lot more go when in the number two position. You feel fewer restrictions, and everything just comes flowing out of you. You have the opportunity to get down and dirty. Unfortunately, you also rarely see women in the number one position, unless they’re really manly.” Then, following up on that, you might ask a question like, “Okay, now tell us your thoughts on the vice presidential position,” and I would respond, “Yes, I thought that seemed like a more relevant question,” and go on to explain why I would be great at fulfilling the role of VP, rather than why I prefer doing number two to doing number one. In the end, what I want is to represent all of you…just not too much. I want some one to set an example on how to represent you, and just be the guy who is always by his side. I know that I am the best choice to not quite lose this election, and it is up to all of you to make this happen. Thank You.