The Eighth Page

Emily Adler and Andrew Schlager’s Guide To: Preventing Parietals

As the Chinese proverb goes, “Spring is sooner recognized by plants than by men”, but there are those who recognize the coming of spring sooner than flora and men, and this is the horny meso-puberty freshmen boy. In that boiling pot of hormones that is the male teen, something comes to fruition, certain knowledge, an awakening if you will, that something has become available, something wonderful. Parietals. Excited but also slightly disturbed by awkward meetings at Graham house, where the mediator tried to use as many synonyms to replace the word sex as possible (do the do, get down to business an ambiguously toned “engage”) freshmen boys eagerly await the opportunity to invite themselves to girls’ chambers. This new opportunity can bring acception and sadly, rejections as well. So how exactly will you prevent those boys from wanting to have a parietal with you? Use these lines to send those awkward boys running back to there own rooms. • “Perfect timing for a parietal! I finally got around to washing my sheets after having lice for practically all of winter term.” • “Let’s meet a little later so I have time to pick up my moustache wax at CVS.” • “Gorgeous nose! Who do you go to?” • “Let’s study. I need to work hard now so I have an easy ride to urology school.” • “Meet me in the chapel for ceremonial cleansing involving vinegar and an Egyptian pig upon entering my room. • “Lucky for you, my room is big enough for you, me, and the three Graham House counselors that have to be present with me in case my Tourette’s takes a turn for the worse.” • “Could you also bring some Fabreeze? I have been running low since chili night last week. And if all else fails… • Ring a bell when he walks through the door and shout, “Testosterone alert!” • On your way up to your room, fall up the stairs. Twice. • Hum the Star Wars song to fill in awkward silences. • Compliment his delicate booté. • Knock on the wall and yell, “No! They’re coming for me!” • Call him several times from your pocket while he is in the room. Then laugh nervously and deny it. • Offer him a bite of your candy anklet from Halloween ’02. • When he goes to the bathroom for a study break, loudly tell a friend outside the door how cute your babies will be. • Fart. A lot. Then blame your roommate (especially if you have a single). • Mention your boyfriend from “home.” • “Could you also bring some Febreeze? I have been running low since chili night last week. And if all else fails… • Ring a bell when he walks through the door and shout, ‘Testosterone alert!’ • On your way up to your room, fall up the stairs. Twice. • Hum the Star Wars song to fill in awkward silences. • Compliment his delicate booté • Knock on the wall and yell, “No! They’re coming for me!” • Call him several times from your pocket while he is in the room. Then laugh nervously and deny it. • Offer him a bite of your candy anklet from Halloween ’02. • When he goes to the bathroom for a study break, loudly tell a friend outside the door how cute your babies will be. • Fart. A lot. Then blame your roommate (especially if you have a single). • Mention your boyfriend from “home.”