In this, my first Features article after almost a two year hiatus, I will start with a quote from my all-time 32nd favorite rapper, L.L. Cool J. In his hit Mama Said Knock You Out, he begins, “Don’t call it a comeback/ I’ve been here for years/ Rockin’ my peers and putting suckas in fear/ Makin’ the tears rain down like a monsoon/ Listen to the bass go boom/ Explosion, overpowerin’/ Over the competition, I’m towerin’.” He might be underplaying it a little bit, but L.L. articulates the way I feel about my career as a Features contributor. After being shunned from Features for being too funny, I have been invited back once again to share my good cheer with the general Phillips Academy populace. Basically, I am the new Santa Claus. But instead of bringing presents for little children, I am writing marginally entertaining articles. I also won’t be entering buildings through chimneys, at least not until Senior Spooning comes around, then all bets are off. Instead of wearing a red velvet suit, I vow to wear shorts for the rest of the term. I call it the N.P.T.P. game: No Pants ‘Til Prom. We’ll see how far this can go. I will give weekly updates throughout the term to all those who are wondering if I will succumb to the pressure of covering my legs. For all you gambling fiends, the safe money is on me. I am very good at keeping pointless streaks going. In fact, my first ever Features article was about my Lenten sacrifice to give up staples. How far I have come. I know that all of my avid fans have been combing the Features section over the past two years looking for my next article that would follow up “Pat Maher Jr.” released May, 18, 2007. So, I’m sure you all are wondering, what have I been up to since then? Not a whole lot. Contrary to popular belief, I have stayed in school, and have not changed my appearance in any significant way since ’07. There have been rumors flying around that I had transferred to a boarding school in Kyrgyzstan to teach the children the art of humorous discourse. Not only am I entirely unqualified to do such a thing, but I have never been to South America, and truth be told, I misspelled the country’s name as I typed it in. I also didn’t join the circus, the Peace Corps, or the Girls hockey team. Well, I didn’t skate for them or anything. Over the past few years I have learned many useful and profound things that I wish to share with the community if you all will let me. It is my greatest hope that I will have the privilege to continue to write for The Phillipian, so that all the underclassmen might know how great they can become if they are blessed with talent, good looks, and wit. If those are things they do not possess, I have very little to offer them.