The Eighth Page

Campus Police Report

Monday, March 30, 12:27 PM: ?PAPS was called to the opening of Paresky Commons to remove the pirate flag hanging on the flag pole outside.  The new ice sculpture was also defaced, being fitted with an eye patch and peg leg. Tuesday, March 31, 2:30 AM: ?A group of overzealous seniors were caught prematurely playing tennigolf in the rainy, 30 degree weather. Their aspirations for spring term persuaded them to wear merely bathing suits, flip flops, and backwards baseball caps. PAPS immediately took them to Isham, where Dr. Keller treated for hypothermia and CAT Scans were immediately issued. Wednesday, April 1, 5:22 PM: ?PAPS again was called to Commons, but this time to act as riot control for the first ice cream night in the new dining facility. One freshman made the mistake of using the caramel ladle to scoop out some fudge, immediately sparking panic amongst the impatient dairy lovers. Wednesday, April 1, 6:54 PM:?One day student, in the spirit of April Fool’s Day, painted his car to match that of the PAPS vehicles that roam campus. He spent the day pulling over parents and teachers, writing up costly citations for the undeserving drivers. He was caught later on in the day, and ironically, he was issued a citation for impersonating a PAPS officer. The school, however, did not revoke the numerous tickets, because in these harsh economic times, the school will take money any way they can. Thursday, April 2, 4:37 AM: ?PAPS received a call from a girl in Nathan Hale, whose window overlooks the sanctuary. She exclaimed to PAPS that for the past few days, she has heard odd sounds coming from the woods and seen strange lights amongst the trees. She described the sound: “Imagine if the devil were deathly afraid of needles, and was about to be given a shot. His squealing would be the best thing to describe the sounds. PAPS takes any sounds compared to the devil as a serious matter, and immediately drove to the sanctuary to investigate. PAPS trekked through the woods, the Andover police ready on speed dial. A nudist colony was found in an opening within the sanctuary. It appears that they had been living there harmoniously for years, secluded from the modern world and the concept of clothing. PAPS kept their distance in order to prevent a war between the naked beings and their clothed, not icky selves. The sounds and lights described by the girl were not discovered, and her new asylum in Isham is a safe distance from the nudist colony. Friday, April 3, 8:45 PM: ?PAPS comes to the rescue for any student who loses their keys or locks themselves out of their rooms. But what happens when PAPS loses their keys? That question was answered on Friday, when it was locked inside the PAPS offices. The officer on duty called someone to come open up the office. No one answered, so he left a message. Moments later, the PAPS officer had a new voice mail from a familiar number.