The Eighth Page

Emma Goldstein is Gothic Girl

Good morning West Quad Southers, Gothic Girl Here… your one and only guide to the scandalous lives of Andover and medieval architecture’s elite. It’s the end of winter term here at Andover and as the snow depreciates, we appreciate UnCommons with poorly made signs. No signs of the entire lower class serenading commons workers, no giant cards and no flowers for Zulema. F and R did serenade the commons workers; unfortunately F and R don’t go to Andover. Gothic Girl Exclusive: the flying buttresses in Cochran were seen canoodling with the cherubs. Flying buttress? More like flying seductress. Shame on you, cherubs! Empty buses were seen leaving from GW circle to a northern prep school, but in a freak accident started turning towards Gillette Stadium. GG asks, why the buzz about a llama dolly? Spotted at Shuman Admission Center, Octo-mom, Nadya Suleman with all eight offspring seeking early admission to the class of ’27. Octo-kid one plays squash and was student body president of the womb. Unfortunately Octo-kid four has no appreciation for diversity and her mantra is sibi sibi sibi. To that, Jane Fried says, “Octo-not.” Spotted: A flamboyant arch was seen strutting its stuff in SamPhil. GG awards a perfect 10 for the curvature, but three for the attitude. This is the best dressed arch Gothic Girl has seen in a while. This just in from AnDoVeR GurLL14: “Spotted on the phallic statue, 4 rolls of plastic wrap.” Either there is a lower picnic on the great lawn with lots of leftovers or somebody’s started using protection. Spotted: PB has gone missing from Uncommons. Is Little J lonely or does she just miss her home of Commons? A sandwich with only Little J is what one might call, uncommon. P and M were seen donning matching ribbed vaults. G and B preferred cable knit vaulting. G and B better keep the cable to a minimum because Gothic Girl’s switching to satellite; cable has no place in a cathedral. Spotted: 1099 students in the lobby of the chapel during ASM. Gothic Girl would report on what’s going on inside the chapel, but her source became the 1100th student in the lobby upon texting the gossip. ASM had gotten so boring with no students that Carlos Hoyt had to kick out Mr. Murphy and Mrs. Sykes for listening to Single Ladies on repeat. Mr. Hoyt took away their iPhones for 48 hours. Mr. Hoyt said, “If you liked it you should have took the ring off it!” Oh, oh, oh. D and C were seen last night at 1924 house. Brought up on charges of academic dishonesty and neglecting to “sort the ort.” Cluster dean J sentenced them to 6 years of probation for the ort violation and let them off for copying all of their essays from Wikipedia. You know what they say, “Cheating is fine, but Live Green or Die Hard.” Gothic girl exclusive: Lower T was seen in all black making obscure death-rock references. It looks like there’s a new gothic girl in town without the architectural wit. So nighty night Andover girls and bros. Remember, watch out! You never know who could be texting about your new squeeze or big fat flying buttress. And who am I? That’s one secret I’ll never tell! You know you love me, xoxo, Gothic Girl -Emma Goldstein