The Eighth Page

Happy Birthday!

I recently celebrated a birthday. It was a joyous affair with many fine foods, drinks and balloons. However, by the end of the night I found myself reflecting on the past year, and thinking maybe that on this birthday I should start a new tradition. So I decided to write a personal note to myself, to be opened upon my next birthday. Herein lie the contents: Dear Ben (aka Dragon), Well, it’s been a year. How ya doin’? Did you finally get that car? What ever happened with that teacher who wanted to “tutor” you? Did you at least get a 6 in her class for it? Gross. Anyway, this was all a year ago… before you got in shape and found a nice girl, right? Well anyway, I hope you’ve finally convinced the parents to stop calling you those stupid kid nicknames. Honestly, if I hear dad call me “the reason why he drinks” one more time I will flip. I mean, when I was four it was a little funny, but enough is enough. You still watching Hannah Montana? I know it’s a good show but dude, you can vote now, just stop. And how are things going with that other girl? Did she ever drop the charges? I hope so. I mean, there are only so many times you can ask a guy for flowers before he finally just snaps, blows up your car and ships your mother to a brothel in a remote Asian village. I think it’s time for her to suck it up and just get over it. Anyway, how’s school going? I hope you never actually sent that letter to that teacher. You know that kind of stuff can be incriminating, especially when it’s written, and the “die” part is underlined. Also, I know about this time you’re done with college apps and you’re probably pretty turn out to be Ivy League material? I sure hope so. Overall, I just hope you had a great year. I know it couldn’t have been any worse than last year, what with the dog attack, facial reconstructive surgery and that whole hostage situation. But I bet by the time you read this you’ll have gotten rid of all the skeletons in your closet (they’re still full bodies now, but I expect the majority of flesh will have decayed by the time you read this). Additionally, you need to do whatever makes you happy. You just need to make like Madonna and not stop no matter how much the world wants you to. Just remember what Uncle Hank used to say those times after he’d grab your knee under the dinner table: “Ben if you tell anyone I’ll kill you. Also follow your dreams.” So you should do as he said. Just remember: don’t compromise your integrity. Unless money is involved. Peace and Love, Dragon