The Eighth Page

Dr. Coldberg’s Medical Journal

Hiya kids! Dr. Coldberg here, and I’ve noticed that many of you have been getting very sick this winter. Whether you’ve got mono, a cold or a mysterious tumor, my few tips should help you stay healthy. First, do what I did and go to Florida. I know, I know, it’s where old people go to die and it smells pretty awful, but I’m here now and it’s really not too bad. Granted, I haven’t been able to sit down because of a ferocious sunburn on my buttocks, but I have just been sitting naked on my cool, mahogany floor eating Cheetos off my stomach for the past eight hours, so, as you can imagine, I’ve been having a fabulous time. Second, be sure to isolate yourself from the rest of the student population. I would recommend that you join the people that never come out of their room and seem to do work all day but actually still get a 3.5. Come on, we know what you’re actually doing in there. It’s yucky. Third, stay away from members of the opposite gender. I know that a majority of you like to “hook up” or “swap spit” or “look at someone’s Facebook and make out with your hand pretending that the person in the photo is actually making out with you because you can’t gain the courage to actually talk to them, much less ask them to leave from a dance because you know that they are way out of your league and that somebody will laugh at you for trying to get with them and little does that person know that you will get your Ph. D. later on in life while they pump the gas into your Maserati.” Regardless of what you kids call it, they are all good ways to get mono, syphilis and rabies. These diseases are often spread by kissing (and what kissing leads to—God is watching) and by coughing. If you feel like coughing, make sure that you cough either onto a keyboard or onto the person next to you; this spreads the cold quickly and ensures that everybody is immune to the illness. You should also go out of your way to cough on freshmen. After all, it is your duty to expose them to the wonders of waiting for two hours at Isham just to be told you have a cold you already knew you had. But hey, you’re out of class, who cares? My fourth and final suggestion is to take up boxing. I’m sitting here watching two men with a combined ten brain cells beat the crap out of each other on ESPN2, and all I can think is, “Hey, they look pretty warm.” I also see Don King in the background. That just makes me happy. I rocked his haircut back in ’85, and the ladies went crazy for it. The only problem was that my mom didn’t like it, and she threatened to kick me out of the attic above the garage if I didn’t shave it off. Since I couldn’t even rent a studio apartment with my job parking cars at Lionel Richie concerts, I had to cut it off. Man, I miss the ’80s. Disclaimer- Dr. Coldberg is not responsible for any physical abnormalities as a result of his “Four Easy Steps for Keeping Healthy” program. Also, if your erection lasts for longer than four hours, consult a doctor immediately. Or keep going. -Dylan Cahill