The Eighth Page

President Bush: “You Guys Aren’t Gonna Make Me Do Stuff Anymore, Right?”

As the Obama administration begins its first days in office and the nation ushers in a new era of change, ex-President Bush has largely vanished from the public eye by retiring to his ranch at Crawford, Texas. Although the former President is enjoying his first month of freedom from his old presidential responsibilities, his life of leisure is marred by confusion and questions surrounding his role in current American politics. “I just want to know if they’re going to make me do stuff anymore,” said Bush in his exclusive interview with The Newsly Times. “Usually, I had Dick and Condi all up in my ear, being like, ‘Hey George, sign this,’ or ‘Don’t eat that, George, you’ll get sick,’ or asking me questions about Iraq and the economy and whatnot. I never really knew what to tell them. At least now I don’t have any one asking me about anything important, so that’s real nice.” After Obama’s inauguration, the fact that his time in office had ended did not immediately register with the former President. “I figured I was just going on one of those helicopter rides to that McDonald’s in Alexandria with the Play Place,” asserted Bush. “I was watching CNN when I was flying around, and they were calling me “Former President Bush” and stuff. I guess I never really figured it out until Laura told me about it around an hour ago.” Despite the President’s absence from the Oval Office, his daily routine hasn’t changed considerably, “Back when I was in the White House, I used to fix up a breakfast burrito and watch the M*A*S*H re-runs on TV Land right after I woke up,” explained Bush. “Then I’d go to my desk around noon to get on the phone with pop and talk about president stuff for a while, then after that, I’d mess around with my dog Barney for a few hours. You know, dress him up in little outfits and whatnot. He’d look just about as cute as a button, let me tell you.” Although Bush has not yet expressed his interest in re-entering politics, he was “disappointed” that President Obama did not ask him to play a role in his new administration. “Barry and me are tight,” said Bush. “I’m surprised that he doesn’t need someone who can make key decisions from the gut like I can.” Despite the bleak outlook for Bush’s future as a member of the Obama administration, Bush remains optimistic about his life after the presidency. “To be honest with you, I’m completely happy clearing brush down here in Crawford,” said Bush. “I feel like it’s what I was born to do, and if I don’t get back into politics, hey, it’s no big deal, I’ll always have this to fall back on. After all, there’s a great market for brush up North. Them Yankees just can’t get enough of that crap.”