The Eighth Page

Roast of: Lawrence Dai

I met Lawrence Dai in the autumn of 2004, during what he affectionately named his “wide stance phase.” One day he was mistakenly propositioning me for sex through a bathroom stall, the next we were best of friends. Funny how things work sometimes. There are quite a few things you need to know about Lawrence. You may have forgotten, for example, that he is the third most powerful kid in the school – the executive secretary. I have seen the notes he takes as he sits quietly in the corner during Student Council meetings, and they are damn good notes – notes fit for a king. You should know he has been intimate with a woman, twice, and that it was glorious. Or at least, the video of it I walked in on him re-watching seemed to be. You should know he is Features Editor (along with some freckled, home-schooled kid), so every unfunny Alex Moss article can be attributed to him. But these things, I suppose, are on the surface. To know Lawrence Dai we have to delve a little deeper, into the very core of his flabby belly which no amount of time using the Perfect Pushup will make go away. Lawrence is rich. Don’t let his Kids Large North Face and sob story fool you, the man is made of money. He gets haircuts. His printer prints documents. He owns shoes. Yet he insists he is not a man of means simply to avoid the leeching masses. For this I say shame, sir. Shame. For all of his wealth though, LD is morally bankrupt. If stealing catchphrases were somehow transformed into an Olympic sport, Lawrence would certainly qualify before deciding he would much rather stay in the dorm and turn in assignments late than go to the Olympics. Another thing: Dai is a splendidly mediocre athlete, and proud of it. Try to get him to shut up about how great he was at JV 3 soccer – it can’t be done. Inserting yourself into the Cluster Soccer All-Stars, Dai? That’s just sad. Seniors recently voted Lawrence into the top five 2009 students who’ve “Done the Most for Andover.” Puzzled, we made a list of the things he has ever done for Andover: 1.) Starting false Head of School day rumors 2.) Disliking Dean Murphy’s emails 3.) Overflowing the waffle maker Oh, but he does STAND, and looks like a well-intentioned 12-year-old Asian boy, so he must be a nice guy. It is because of this persona that you should never get into the same classes as Lawrence Dai. You won’t stand a chance. I’m pretty sure he is the only person I have ever seen turn a 72 into a 6 with his malleable face and shortness of stature alone. “Look at me, I work so hard. You can tell I am up late working by the amount I fall asleep in class. Please teacher, I need this, I need to go to Harvard. Have I mentioned I’m first generation?” Speaking of his looks, here’s something you learn fast about Lawrence Dai: don’t look at any of his many women. He is a jealous man, and will slice you. Oh, and his whole Wisconsin shtick? The whole Midwest values, go Brett Favre, wow it sure is cold up here and what an eccentric place to be from and blah blah oh look a Great Lake? All moose pooey. He’s from Miami. It’s all just a part of his elaborate plan to make semi-awkward small talk with you until you are certain he likes you. Word to the wise: just because he points and says your first and last name when he sees you on the path, does not mean he respects you. He likely talks about you behind your back, in fact. Only a tenth of what should be written has been written, but I have to wrap this up. Thank you, Lawrence Dai. You may be a menace, constantly shirk responsibility, and morally defecate on The Phillipian every week, but at least you make things like this easy to write. Have fun in college, and always remember to keep it in your pants. -Alex Moss