The Eighth Page

Why Girls are Better

Girls can sing show tunes without having their sexuality questioned. Girls can get out of anything if they just say they’re on their period. When girls sweat, they glisten. When guys sweat, it’s just gross. It’s kind of cute if a girl wears some of her boyfriend’s clothes. It’s just creepy if a boy wears his girlfriend’s clothes. Female fans are groupies. Male fans are stalkers. Girls are good at biology. In fact, they know all too well where babies come from. When girls are “small,” they’re petite. When boys are small…well, you know… they’re short. For girls, it still counts as keeping a secret if you only told a few people. Girls get all that extra time during the day because they don’t think about sex every 15 seconds. Girls don’t have to regret piercing their ears. Girls get to understand one of the world’s most complicated subjects: girls. First God made Adam. Then he made Eve when he realized he could do better. Girls don’t even need a driver’s license. There are no roads in the kitchen, silly! Why did the boy cross the road? He heard the chicken was easy. Girls can make even jogging a spectator sport. Boy astronauts have to make all those long, annoying trips into space. Girl astronauts don’t need to; the moon doesn’t need cleaning yet! Girls are tougher than James Bond. They can bleed for a week straight and not die. People always keep eye contact when talking to a girl. (I call boobs “eyes.”) If girls play their cards right, they can get just about anything for free. Girls don’t have to deal with gross hair all over their bodies. (At least, most don’t.) Girls can automatically be assumed the victim of almost any situation. Practice makes perfect. Girls are really good at making sandwiches. Girls understand that sometimes “no” means “yes” and that “yes” means “oh hell no.” Girls don’t get brain damage from getting kicked in the crotch. Girls understand that sometimes you just need a smiley face at the end of a text. Girls get that going to the bathroom isn’t something you should have to do alone. Boys can’t get mad at girls for leaving the toilet seat down.