The Eighth Page

Rules of Man

The human male is the most complex organism known to this world, having many distinct and dominant characteristics that allow it to be the ruling species of planet Earth, and in the near future Mars. But what are these traits that make men so superior? What qualities are necessary for someone to be deemed a man? All guys… Must have a certain unmentionable extremity. (See Phallic Statue for more info) Have a passion for violence, football, guns and Grand Theft Auto. Something about dangerous acts of stupidity attracts the minds of all men, no matter what age. You Tube videos of kids lighting fireworks from their bottoms and doing back flips over barbed wire. Feel the need to drive unnecessarily fast, crank up the jams, and honk at/pull over for/creepily stare down attractive women who are jogging on a nearby sidewalk. Call their “bros” or “broskis” by the bros’ mispronounced last name. Have strong forearms. Consider personal hygiene to be insignificant, because it is. What else could Axe be used for, besides masking six days of man-stink? Watch Pirates of the Caribbean just because Keira Knightley is in it. Love one of the following: Gladiator, Fight Club, or Pride and Prejudice (also with Keira Knightley). Are aspiring rappers. Love twins. The reason is still unknown, but the world’s top scientists are working hard to discover why. Think “dinner and a movie” means ordering from the dollar menu then watching the hanging TVs in Blockbuster. Think semi-formal is just another term for clothed and/or not nude. Ask the girls in their lives to make them sandwiches. It’s not because of sexism, or us being lazy. It’s because guys do not have the DNA that allows the human body to make a sufficient sandwich. So ladies, be more sensitive the next time a guy asks you to make a sandwich. Remember all the things guys do for you. Maybe a man will open a ketchup bottle or catch a mouse next time you can’t do it. Have a built-in GPS system, so there’s no need to ask for directions. Quote Seth Rogen or Will Ferrell films on a daily basis. Say “yo mama” jokes as if they were being paid to do it. -Ryan Yost and Jesse Bielasiak-Robinson