The Eighth Page

The Features Awards Sara Alban: Oscar Winner (Endorsed by Oprah!)

I can’t even put into words how much I appreciate this award, but I will try to come up with around 500. First of all, I’d like to thank Oprah—I mean Jesus—for this award. Sorry, sometimes I get them confused, both of them being such strong black women who I admire so much. Oh Jesus, whenever I think of you hanging up on that cross for my sins, I just think of my dear, old, Jewish grandpa Goldberg-Shmit and how mad he was about that whole conversion thing. Even though we still don’t give each other Christmas presents, I would like to dedicate this award to him. It was he who encouraged me to get into show business in the first place. Due to his unfortunate dyslexia, he accidentally wrote “yo” instead of “oy” in my birthday cards. I heard some kids at school saying it, and suddenly there it was: pop culture. I realized that it was all around me and suddenly couldn’t get enough of it. I wanted to be in movies and television so much that I took up acting. I practiced every night when my parents tucked me in and said “I love you,” and I would say, “I love you, too.” I wove it into my everyday life, and even tried to take a movie star to prom. However, when “The Make-A-Wish Foundation” refused to acknowledge my “premature sagginess” problem as a terminal illness, the idea fell through and I ended up going with my cousin. But hey, she didn’t even sweat that much for a fat girl. Plus, I didn’t have to worry about how I looked in my pictures because I didn’t fit in the frame. I realized that I didn’t want to be just another pretty face in Hollywood; I wanted to be a really skinny, busty movie star. In actuality, I began acting because I wasn’t doing too well in school. I always thought Helen Keller and Anne Frank were the same person, never understanding how she knew the war was going on if she couldn’t hear the bombs. Throughout my first few struggling years in show business, I resorted to being a prostitute. Once my career took off, I handed my business down to my little sister and took on acting full-time. I finally felt like I could stand on my own two feet, even without my prosthetic leg. (I had to sell it to pay for my headshots.) My first big role came in small commercials: “Suck It” lollipops, “The Silver Mullet” beer for elderly drinkers– things like that. My past shows that I know what it’s like to do the little jobs too. So, thank you to all you little people out there! That’s right, this shout-out is for you, Dwarfism Association of America. On a different note, reach for the stars! Thank you so much and God bless. Unless you’re atheist then, um, have a nice life… because nothing happens after you die.