The Eighth Page

The Features Awards Andrew Wilson: Huge (Oscar) Loser

My loss tonight… [chuckle] My loss tonight is… unexpected. [Asked a question from a reporter] How do I feel? You mean besides the depression and the strong feeling that my chronic alcoholism is gonna be back with a vengeance? In that case, yeah, I feel perfectly fine. In fact, I’m feeling just dandy! You know what I’ve been hearing for the past few weeks? Do ya? Don’t guess, I’ll tell you. “Mr. Hizzyfitz, I think it might be your year,” “Mr. Hizzyfitz, I bet you can’t wait for that big award, can you?” and “Mr. Hizzyfitz, what fine pants you are wearing. Aww, too bad, you spilled mustard on them.” Those are just three examples. And now my big night is here. The Monster of Upstate New York was up for five awards, and I was bound to win one, right? Surely I must win at least one, if not more! But no, I stand here before you with nothing in my hands but a bottle in a brown paper bag. What a world, eh? What ever happened to sophistication, anyway? Since when do movies about human emotion beat out films which delve into the relationship between human nature and the creatures which may inhabit other planets and someday take over our world? Since about half an hour ago, I guess. Do I hear some laughing in the back there? Oh yeah, let’s all laugh at Hizzyfitz because he failed to achieve his lifelong dream. All of the other pieces necessary to my perfect life were exactly in place: the Lincoln Log mansion, getting the wife who is better looking than myself, and the ability to read. All I needed was the big time award, and what do I get instead? A strong hatred for all the people around me. You know what I think the problem is? Every single person in the world is stupid. Every damn one, except Simon Cowell, of course. The man is a genius. Problem number two? Pirated DVDs. Did you know that my movie was the number one pirated DVD in various small Asian cities? Pirated DVDs lead directly to a horrible reputation, so I guess I should thank the scum of the streets for the lack of any award. While I’m at it, why not talk about some of the better movies to hit theaters this year? How about the one about a 35-year-old man flying around in a bat suit? Hizzyfitz’s movie wasn’t realistic enough, but let’s throw some awards at the one about the flying man who kicks the crap out of any villain who stands in his way, yet still fails to earn the respect of every person in the city! Right?! Am I not right?! NO, I’M WRONG! 100 percent WRONG! If that’s happening where I live, I’m getting that guy’s number and putting it into my phone in place of 911. It’s just ridiculous! In the end, it all comes down to a conspiracy. Quality is not appreciated, yet bribes are. Sure, I’ll take your money and vote for the love story! Sure, I’ll take this bag of valuable gold coins to not vote for the New York monster themed disaster story which should clearly win the award! What a great deal, huh? Just brilliant. I’ll take your bribe, in sacrifice of the lifelong happiness of a hardworking director looking to find the cash to finally move into his Lincoln Log cabin. That’s our world for you.