The Eighth Page

Movies That Didn’t Quite Make the Cut

Gravity Schmavity Michael Moore’s newest controversial documentary, Gravity Schmavity, goes boldly where no other film has ever gone before by challenging the theory of gravity. Although the concept of gravity is universally accepted as a truth, Moore vehemently disagrees. “Gravity is an invention of the Republican fat cats in Washington. This bureaucratic jibberyoo is criminal, and it’s exactly what I expose in my film.” Moore adds, “The Bush administration wants us to believe that Issac Newton came up with the concept of gravity. That’s just not true; the stupid, right-wing, nutjob fartfaces on Capitol Hill invented it to keep us blind to the real truth.” After critics panned the movie, Moore was found at a Flint, Michigan Denny’s Restaurant, working on his fifth sausage Grand Slam. “My psychiatrist told me to do what makes me happy,” said Moore between mouthfuls of pancakes, “so here I am, reconnecting with the good people of my hometown and eating 15,000 calories a day.” SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 3 The long awaited sequel to SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses and, of course, SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2, the third installment in the SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses franchise was expected to be a record-breaking release and an epic spectacle of a film… by the director, Bob Clark. “The first two Baby Geniuses were hits,” Clark said, “I mean, having the 65th and 13th positions on IMDB’S Bottom 100 List are huge for us.” In the franchise’s third installment, the former baby geniuses are suddenly-not-as-adorable-but-less-creepy toddlers who run a multinational computer corporation. And somehow, no one in the movie has a problem with 3-year-olds running a multibillion dollar company. According to Clark, “We’ve figured out that the movies were awful, but also that lots of people saw the movies, and cared enough about them to rate them on a website. And if lots of people came to see the movies, they were hits. So, the Baby Geniuses franchise is a total hit machine that every studio in Hollywood should be jumping for. Hopefully, those offers will come rolling in any day now.” Renegade Rising Renegade Rising, Nicholas Cage’s newest project, is about an American assassin who travels to Tajikistan to claim revenge on the man who killed his wife. Although this premise is different from any of Cage’s other movies, Cage insisted on using many of the lines and characters from one of his earlier films, Con Air. “We were wasting time coming up with new characters and scenes for this new movie, so we just figured we’d put in a bunch of lines from Con Air and keep me as Con Air’s main character, Cameron Poe,” said Cage. “No one can really tell any of my movies apart anyway. I mean, I play the same character in all of them, so if I rip off one of my other movies almost line for line, it’s no big deal. People don’t notice that kind of thing.”