The Eighth Page

Woman Loses Weight on Fox Reality TV Show

Alexis Copperfield, a current graduate student at the University of Seattle, recently appeared on a Fox reality television show where she attempted to lose as much weight as possible. Her family was shocked when she lost three hundred pounds in two months. They were even more shocked when she regained the weight on her plane ride home after the show. “She was making great progress,” said the show’s personal fitness trainer, Kelly Sanders. “She was a weight loss machine up until the night after the finale, when she left for Washington. But she was great. She lost so much arm fat, I swear she could’ve stretched out that extra skin and taken flight if she’d wanted to. Instead, she just… refilled.” The show, now in its fourth season, pits overweight contestants against one another in a competition to lose large amounts of weight as quickly as possible. “It’s just surprising, you know?” commented Jared Goldvalley, Copperfield’s boyfriend in Seattle. “Like, I saw her, right, like, on my flat screen and she looked flat, man, and it wasn’t just the screen. Then I get to the airport and what do I see? The same moose I’ve been sleeping with for three years. What a rip-off.” Jeff Wood, the weekly host of the show, claims that this has not been a common occurrence among the show’s past contestants. “[The contestants] are often fully prepared to re-immerse themselves in the world of earthly delights. But [Copperfield] just wasn’t strong enough. It seems she succumbed to the temptations around her. And I don’t mean three beautiful female African-American pop singers. I mean bon bons, truffles and butter.” Butter, a common snack food among the diets of contestants before their appearances on the show, is the most common cause of slow walking, excessively large bras and heavy breathing among the nation’s overweight. “We have always taught our daughter to follow the four food groups,” said Copperfield’s mother, Anne Copperfield, in a recent interview, “sugar, butter, honey and sugar. I think JetBlue just serves too much sugar.” JetBlue, the airline Copperfield used to fly home, serves an average of one meal per domestic flight. However, most flights carry enough food to last three weeks in case an emergency or crash landing occurs. “We ran out,” said Harold Aryu. “We just plain ran out of food. At first we thought everyone was just really hungry. But that woman in row 14, seat B4 – she could put it away, let me tell you.” Goldvalley has mentioned that he is planning to file a lawsuit against JetBlue in the very near future. “My dreams were smashed. I thought, ‘Hey, maybe I can get my arms around her when we fall asleep together. And lift her off of me. But no. Thanks to JetBlue, when I get up in the mornings, I’ll continue to lie under her, unable to stand until she wakes back up.” When asked if she plans to deal with the recent traumatizing events, Alexis Copperfield declined to comment, deciding to continue eating her glazed donut.