The Eighth Page

Man Saves Drowning Woman And Receives No Sexual Reward

Abigail McPrude, a young aspiring female sailor, nearly drowned this past Saturday upon capsizing her blow-up raft in the mid-Atlantic. Coming to her rescue was local seaman extraordinaire, Bass Fischer. However, Fischer’s heroic actions did not yield to the results he was expecting. “She wouldn’t even muster up a good ole’ fashioned Frencher, muh’ matey, never mind a wee bit more!” exclaimed a disgruntled and apparently turned on Fischer, who sat erect at his regular table in the back corner of the local Clam Shack. Fischer, winner of the award for “Most Promising Seaman” in 2004, has proven to many of the local seawomen and fishermen’s wives that he was quite a worthy recipient of the title. He is also a skilled sailor and fisherman. However, McPrude, 18, disagrees greatly. “Not only did he leave the wheel of the boat, but he tried to feel me up with his gross, clammy hands… no pun intended,” McPrude complained. Upon realizing McPrude would not give in, Fischer attempted to lure her to his bedroom using some thin netting and a worm. When asked about the attempt, Fischer answered, “I thought ole’ Bass Fischer was gonna’ catch himself a hundred pounder!” Although days after the incident McPrude claims she “would have rather drowned,” many seaside-dwelling women highly disagree with her anti-Bass Fischer agenda. “He’s like a second husband to me,” claimed one woman unwilling to be named, “He just doesn’t live with me, support me, or talk to me—I’d describe our relationship as being more on the purely physical side.” “One word to describe Bass Fischer? I’ll give you three: My. Baby’s. Daddy,” said one woman half-jokingly, “But believe me, it was well worth it. Plus the court makes him send $300 of haddock a month. I just tell my husband I won a raffle for a lifetime supply of smelly mail.” Although McPrude plans to sue and press charges against Fischer for attempted debauchery, it could be problematic to get Fischer to court. When asked about the lawsuit, Fischer seemed unconcerned. “I’m unconcerned,” he said. In addition, Fischer has since returned to sea, and plans to remain in international waters, where he spends his time shark hunting and swimming. The near drowning has caused even more problems for McPrude, who has become the subject of riots started by women left sexually needy due to Fischer’s absence. However, while many local women blame McPrude, Fischer only has himself to blame. “I knew I played it wrong from the start,” Fischer claimed, “Maybe she would have been more impressed if I had shown her my rod first.”