The Eighth Page

Choose Your Own Adventure! with Ben Prawdzik

1) You are at home on New Year’s Eve, sitting on your couch alone watching a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles marathon. You hold a Coke in one hand and a bag of Doritos in the other. Your phone, located across the room, starts to ring. A. You get the phone and answer it. (go to #2) B. The phone is so far away. You let the call go to your obnoxious voicemail that you think is funny, but all your friends hate because it’s so long and it’s not cool or original. You know you stole it from a movie that wasn’t even that good. (go to #3) 2) Your friend is on the phone and invites you to go out to dinner with a group of mutual friends in celebration of New Years. You agree to go and make your way outside to your car. You drive to the restaurant, but along the way, you see an old lady struggling to lift a heavy looking bag into her car. A. You park next to the elderly woman and help her lift the bag into her car. (go to #4) B. You pretend not to notice and continue to the restaurant. (go to #5) C. You find old people to be a nuisance and therefore honk loudly at the old woman while throwing garbage at her from your car. (go to #6) 3) No one else calls you and you have no plans for the evening. You continue watching TV until, during an exciting action scene, you choke on a Dorito and die a cold, lonely death. 4) As you lift the bag for the old woman, you notice a peculiar smell coming from the car, but before you have any chance to investigate, you are knocked unconscious. It turns out that the old woman was actually a man in disguise. He steals your kidney and liver which he then sells to an anonymous bidder from Argentina. The heavy bag was actually filled with human organs. 5) You arrive at the restaurant and meet up with your friends. Before being seated, your friend Bob suggests ditching the group with him to go to a huge party at a house in town. He tells you not to let any of your other friends at the restaurant know about the party. Bob gives no reason for his secrecy. A. You insist on eating dinner with the rest of the group as planned and not ditching any of your friends. (go to #7) B. You agree and tell the larger group that you need to feed your cat (with Bob’s help of course, due to the dangers associated with cat food.) However, your intention is to ditch your group of friends and go to the party. (go to #8) 6) A police officer is behind you as you litter near the old woman. He puts on his siren to pull you over but later notices that the old woman is actually a wanted kidnapper and disguised organ thief. You are given a $30,000 dollar reward for helping to point out the crook to the authorities. 7) Bob is slightly disappointed, but agrees, and you stay with your friends for dinner; however, a disgruntled waitress is angry at the tone you take when ordering your food and proceeds to tamper with your meals, adding everything from laxatives to rat poison. You suffer from sever digestive problems and psychological phobias associated with restaurants for the rest of your life. You do not pass Go, nor do you collect $200. 8) Your friends all fear for Mr. Whisker’s safety and well-being and wish you luck in your efforts to feed him. They are impressed with your humane and loving treatment of animals and respect you more. You go to the party with Bob, and it’s awesome. You win.