The psychiatrist said I’m far less likely to brutally murder one of my friends now that I kill colorful birds and small rodents. I give a damn good elbow massage. I have four and a half closets full of Legos and Tonkas. I met David Schwimmer’s nephew’s roommate at Six Flags once. I saw Napoleon Dynamite… in theaters! My teachers say I’m pretty smart for an illiterate crack addict. I have never attempted to have sex with one of my friends. I often Google pornographic websites without deleting the Cookies after. I have eight packs of gummy bears. You can have five. I’m looking for a partner to invest in portable horse garages with. I’m above average height. My doctor says puberty is quickly approaching. I beat Halo 3 in five minutes due to an undiscovered glitch that I refuse to share with anyone. Except my friends. Your mom knows my mom. I once swam 10 minutes after eating and only threw up a little bit. I don’t drink, but I still encourage my friends to drive because I really know how to have a goodtime. My parents say I’m their third most successful son after Bob and Jack, which is pretty impressive, seeing as Bob is a plumber and Jack makes a damn good nacho platter. I own three pieces of intergalactic property, and I know a guy who builds condos. Sometimes, kids on Facebook ask me to be their friend and I don’t even know them. I cry when I lose. Fact is, I’ve never cried before. -Billy Fowkes
