The Eighth Page


Features has the unparalleled opportunity to sit down with Man of the Year, Rick Astley, for an exclusive question and answer session. Meet the man behind the hair as we ask him a few tough questions. Features: Rick, thanks so much for sitting down with us. Rick Astley: It’s my pleasure. Features: So tell me, where does Rick Astley see himself in ten years? Rick Astley: Let me answer your question with another question: where do you see Miley Cyrus in ten years? I’ll be right there with her, Mr. Rick Astley-Cyrus and Ms. Miley Astley-Cyrus hand in hand. Features: If Rick Astley were an animal, mythical or real, which animal would he be? Rick Astley: This is something to which I’ve actually given a good amount of thought. At first, I thought polar bear. Why? Ferocious yet adorable. That’s how I see myself these days. But then you threw in that whole “mythical or real” clause, and I thought to myself, “Rick, you’re no polar bear. In fact, there’s no living mammal that really embodies all shades on your emotional pallet.” So I thought unicorn. Features: Interesting response, Rick. So, do y— Rick Astley: Funny story, actually. In 1993, the first Barney was convicted of his third DUI and I was asked to fill his slot with a kids show of my own. I was supposed to dress in a mule costume and sing some of my greatest hits for the kids. We had a pilot episode recorded and everything, until PBS decided that they couldn’t broadcast a kids show named “Time to Dance with Rick Astley.” Features: Rick, you haven’t released a new album since 2005’s Portrait. What can you tell us in way of assurance that you’ve still got it? Rick Astley: You’re asking me if I’ve still got it?! Rick Astley never loses “it,” and frankly I’m a little unsure as to what “it” is. If “it” is hair that is permanently stuck in a vertical slant, then certainly not. If “it” is a bad case of rheumatoid arthritis in my pelvis, then lord only knows that I haven’t lost that. What are you trying to get at? Features: We don’t mean to offend, it’s just that we were wondering if today’s Rick Astley is the same as 1987 Rick Astley. Rick Astley: Well obviously I’ve matured a bit since those days. Just look at my song titles. In 1988 I came out with my single “It Would Take a Strong Strong Man.” By 2002, however, I got a little more poetic with singles like “Let’s Go Out Tonight” and “What You See Is What You Don’t Get.” You see the difference? It’s like night and day. I’m an artist, you see. Features: Well, that, Rick, is undeniable. Before we conclude our session, I just have one question. In your hit single “Never Gonna Give You Up,” you make a series of promises to one unbelievably lucky lady. Did you ever break them? Rick Astley: There comes a time when a wife, or a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, just can’t understand the life that one lives on the road. Rick Astley likes to party. Rick Astley likes to go to the zoo and fondle the apes. Rick Astley likes to stick gum to the tops of tables and chairs. Rick Astley likes to take off all of his clothes and steal chocolate pudding from Stop and Shop. And when Rick Astley tries to explain these things to his loved ones, he might make them cry, he might let them down and in the end he may just have to run around and desert them. Features: Thank you for your time, Rick. You tell that whore of a wife of yours that we, at the very least, are never gonna give you up. Did You Know? Rick Astley sometimes talks to pieces of toast. He prefers buttered.