The Eighth Page

Holiday Musings with Alex Moss

What is yuletide? Is “Yule” something I should be familiar with? Why did Microsoft word just automatically capitalize the “y” in “Yule”? Is Yule a proper noun? Someone I should know, perhaps? Some people think it is unethical for parents to teach their children that Santa Claus exists because it is an elaborate, upsetting lie. To you I say: Really? You have nothing else to argue about? Have you ever secretly wanted to be Macaulay Culkin? “Oh no, I’ve been left Home Alone, this is terrible, if only there were some petty crooks with funny accents whom I could relentlessly torture.” I know it’s been harped on, but those movies are graphic. I kept count once: those guys should have died somewhere between 36 and 39 times. I take issue with you, mistletoe. If mistletoe isn’t too chicken, I’ll be waiting behind the cafeteria after school to beat it up. You too, poinsettia. I’m taking all comers. If Jesus were alive, I have the feeling he would really want to go laser tagging on his birthday. Pine trees get all the press, but there are other solid trees out there. Hemlocks, for instance. Where did Scrooge McDuck get all of his money? I gave her a wassail last night, just don’t tell her boyfriend. I’ve got some myrrh for you right here, if you know what I mean. If I worked at the Situation Room and we were about to go on the air, I would say “on Dancer and Dasher and Comet and Blitzer!” Then Wolf would go on the air. It would be awesome. Then I would go home to my Lego Fortress, which is an unrelated but necessary part of this fantasy. Hi Santa. Fine, you want my two cents? Armadillo should be to Christmas as turkey is to Thanksgiving. There, I said it. You dragged it out of me. Don’t eat candy canes. Donate them to a good cause. Honesty doesn’t work at Christmas: “Thanks so much, Uncle Claudio! This talking Inspector Gadget doll is a middling gift at best, and I don’t think I’ll get a whole lot of use out of it, but it’s definitely better than nothing!” Joseph, come on man. You’re going to buy an immaculate conception? Eggnog is also a funny thing, I’m just not sure how. If I were ever in a Christmas movie, I would make sure I played every part. I would be like Eddie Murphy, only without the sass and goofy laugh. Have you seen Mulan? I tell you, never has such a small dragon had such a considerable amount of sass.