The Eighth Page

Features Man of the Year – Runner-Ups

O.J. Simpson Occupation: Former NFL Running Back. That’s it. He’s just a Running Back. Favorite Movies: A Perfect Murder, Se7en, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Favorite Historical Figures: Jack the Ripper, Charlie Manson, John Wilkes Booth O.J. Simpson, best known for his prolific football career and his portrayal of Detective Nordberg in the Naked Gun film series, has had a year highly worthy of consideration for Features Man of the Year. Although he just fell short of earning the Man of the Year title, “The Juice” has kept busy, pushing hard to publish his book, If I Did It. The book is a hypothetical account of how O.J. would have killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend, Ronald Goldman. O.J. is making a brilliant move here. What better way to remove any public suspicion that you killed your wife and her friend than by giving a hypothetical account of how you would have killed them that’s just a little bit different from how it actually happened? It’s like a teacher catching a student cheating on a test by looking at another kid’s paper, but the student convinces the teacher that he would have cheated by looking the answers up on the Internet at his desk. Why wouldn’t the teacher believe him? Unfortunately for O.J., keeping a low profile was just too hard to do, as he was arrested at the Palace Station hotel in Las Vegas for robbing sports memorabilia at gunpoint last fall. Is this his next chapter in his brilliant scheme of hypothetical crimes? The answer is no, his sentencing is set for today. Joe the Plumber Occupation: Plumber Hobbies: Plumbing, being a metaphor of middle-class America Favorite Songs: Born in the U.S.A. by Bruce Springsteen, Small Town by John Mellencamp, Shorty Wanna Be A Thug by 2Pac Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, or Joe the Plumber, not only wins the award for most ridiculously German surname in history, but he also has the distinction of being the McCain/Palin campaign’s example of a quintessential middle-class American. By Election Day, Joe the Plumber was one of the most recognizable personalities in the country. He even started the fun trend of referring to someone by their first name and their occupation in political conversations. For example, how will Obama’s economic plan affect Candy the Prostitute? How would McCain’s plans to reform healthcare have affected Michael the Sexual Predator? How will Obama’s plans to improve infrastructure affect Ned the Unemployed 35-year-old Loser Who Plays World of Warcraft in the Apartment Above His Parent’s Garage? We have Joe to thank for being able to properly phrase and find the answers to these questions. Lil Wayne Occupation: Rapper Hobbies: Gardening, stamp collecting, smoking marijuana Favorite Color: Fuschia Dwayne Michael Carter Jr., or as he is better known, Lil Wayne, enjoyed huge success this past year with the release of his double platinum album, Tha Carter III. His unmistakable voice and tight flow have made him one of the most popular performers on the planet, and a serious candidate for Features Man of the Year. However, his lyrics are almost impossible to understand. For instance, in his verse during the song “Can’t Believe It” with T-Pain, his lyrics are almost impossible to decipher. What we don’t know is that Weezy is allowing his listeners to interpret the verse for themselves. His lyrics could be about anything. This lyrical ambiguity is the reason behind Lil Wayne’s genius as a songwriter. But judging by the title, my bet is that Lil Wayne is referring to a certain brand of margarine.