The Eighth Page

Musings with Ben Prawdzik

There should be an eternal ban on seafood salad in Uncommons. If I had a dollar for every time I heard the words ‘maverick’ or ‘change’ in the past four months, Warren Buffet would be mowing the lawn of my mansion in the Hamptons right now. I would feel very violated if I were the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Tummy molestation, anyone? What would have happened if Adam and Eve weren’t into each other? The human race would have ended pretty quickly, if you know what I mean. I wonder who came up with today’s modern holiday figures. Seriously, an old man who lives up in the North Pole living with elves all the time and then once a year breaks into your house through your chimney? A crazy woman comes into your room to steal your teeth while you’re sleeping? A two thousand-pound mutant bunny runs rampant planting eggs all over the world? Some of those are weird, but some are just creepy. Who knows what else they do when they’re in your house? I bet Santa takes more than just cookies. He probably runs up your phone bill or steals your jewelry. If you are under the age of seven and don’t understand this critique of modern day holiday figures, it’s because Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny aren’t real. Your parents are liars. Oops. I don’t understand why the people on Prison Break are trying to break back into prison. They just broke out. Shouldn’t someone from FOX have caught that one? According to a recent study by the Food and Drug Administration, 97 percent of all teenage birthdays would be forgotten if it weren’t for Facebook. Why does everyone say we should be saving nature? About 200 people are killed each year by lightning. Over 500,000 people die each year due to hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions. Roughly 3,000 people die annually from animal attacks, and malaria has killed more people than all wars in human history combined. We need to destroy nature before it is too late… Congress should replace the US Armed Forces with Jack Bauer. It would save thousands of lives, hundreds of billions of dollars and one long-absent TV show. I still have nightmares of the Patriots losing to the Giants. Sometimes I cry about it. Does anyone else find Jim Carrey annoying? His overly-dramatic squirming, yelling and contorted facial expressions seem to wear off on me roughly 20 minutes into any of his movies… except Fun with Dick and Jane. But seriously, he’s like a 5-year-old on crack. I really like how we give thanks by taking 10 days of vacation to eat turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, squash, gravy, corn bread, cranberry sauce, etc. It’s a pretty sweet deal. ?????Rob Reiner ?!????! (Translation: Have a great Thanksgiving!)