The Eighth Page

Straight Out Da Rule Book

The following are excerpts from the Features Office Rule Book. All rules must be abided by between the hours of 9am and 6pm every day. Otherwise, we don’t give a hootenanny what you do with your time. Sick Days Every employee is allowed a total of seven sick days each year. Excluded from the list of excusable sicknesses are (in no particular order): scrapes, cuts, colds, broken bones, fevers, goose bumps, the flu, lyme disease, strep throat, being hit by a moving vehicle, tuberculosis, malaria, typhoid, yellow fever, measles, mumps, leprosy, weakness due to kryptonite, pneumonia, pregnancy, AIDS, smallpox, insomnia, influenza, anthrax and the bubonic plague. If you believe your life is in danger, please contact the office and we will assess the situation if there is time available. Only then will you be excused. Lunch Break Your choice of either Tuesday or Thursday, from 3:15 to 3:20. Chicken or Fish. But only fish. Vacations We don’t pay you $3.25 a week to go on vacation. You’re lucky we let you go home at 11pm. Dress Code Monday – Medieval Attire: Horses are no longer allowed after last year’s incident involving the snapping of the elevator cables. Tuesday – Pajama Day: Saying you sleep in your “birthday suit” is not a legitimate excuse to come to work unclothed. Wednesday – Just wear some clothes. Thursday – Casual Thursday: Because everyone else has casual Friday. Friday – Crazy Hair Day: Buzz Cuts and Mohawks for everyone! Saturday – See Sunday. Sunday – See Saturday. Bring a child to work day You must bring a child to work. It does not have to be your child. If anyone with an extra child is willing to rent one to another employee, please contact Upper Management. Cardboard cutout children are only to be used as a last resort. Bathroom Breaks We have been looking into purchasing toilets for a few years, but technically we are not allowed to purchase them until there is a death related to the lack of lavatories. We have overlooked the puddles below the windows so far, but expect reprimands if this kind of behavior continues. Pets in the Workplace As you should know, pets are not allowed in, on, near, within sight of, or at the same elevation as the workplace. In the past we have had several incidents, including one involving a monkey, a racecar, a cadaver, and a class action lawsuit. We have many employees here who are allergic to one or more types of pets, and we cannot risk the health of our employees, or they may attempt to take a sick day. If you own a pet, leave it at home or somewhere other than the office. If you can’t spend the day without them, you probably need some professional help, and we’re not going to give you any time off to get your life in order. –Greg Hanafin