The Eighth Page

How to Get Asked

Gentlemen, the signs are upon us. The freshmen are giggling in large groups. The upperclassmen are now clean-shaven and anxious. Sadie Hawkins is here again, and although you probably “don’t really need a date anyway, I’m just going to hang out with friends,” here are a few last-minute tips for you on how to get a girl to ask. Personal experience has shown that there are a few main methods to getting asked to Sadie. Guys, take notes, because if you don’t have at least one of these key lessons down you’ll be stranded in your dorm alone playing ‘Legend of Zelda’ and eating cheese twists wishing you had better stomach muscles. The first one’s pretty straightforward; you need to look fine. From pretty-boy to hockey scruff, there are a lot of ways to look good out there. Since it’s a formal dance, you don’t get much of a range of outfits while actually attending, which we’ll get into later. But there is some time before the dance to show off brand new looks. And if you’re reading this and still deciding what to order from Golden Chopsticks Saturday night, you need to hit the mall immediately. Don’t give up yet! Throw on extra deodorant (a bottle or two) and never wear dirty clothes this week (anything from the floor that doesn’t make you immediately woozy will do), and hopefully you’ll attract some attention. The second thing you need is a great personality. What girl can resist a gentleman with charm? Well, I knew this one chick, and she – well, that’s beside the point. A charming personality usually comes from experience, so get yourselves out there and start making friends. This doesn’t mean jumping right into a group of ladies or asking around to see if any of them don’t have dates. Start by sitting at Commons tables you don’t usually sit at, (of the opposite gender, of course) and just make conversation. Or talk to that girl in your bio class who’s been giving you glances but you’re too damn shy or insecure to go up to her. You know, Margaret. I know you can see me during the slide shows. Just a look! That’s all I need. Oh, and definitely break out some Bond movies. I suggest Casino Royale, but really any of them will do. Once you can give off the same vibe as Daniel Craig with Eva Green, especially if you can do it in a tux, you’ll know you’re ready. This brings us to the third lesson, and I cannot stress this one enough: make sure you know what you’re going to wear! As cool as going in a white T-shirt and jeans sounds, it is most certainly not going to impress your date. Get a button-up shirt, hopefully without holes or noticeable chocolate stains. Then some good pants, preferably not with a whole bunch of pockets. You don’t want a bunch of change in there when you’re dancing up next to a girl. Except Obama won. So leave all the change you want in those old, bunched up pockets of yours. Lastly, and most importantly, you need a great tie, because ties are the only way you can really express yourself at a formal.