Name: Gunga Age: Unknown Height: Fluctuates Each Year Weight: Also Fluctuates Each Year Place of Birth: Sanctuary Favorite Color: Blue Least Favorite Color: Red Favorite Food: Lion; rare Biographical Information Born as the result of sexual relations between two hairy Andover students in the bird sanctuary, Gunga did not immediately become the school mascot. He spent four years residing in a small hut in the back corner of the sanctuary, providing warmth and shelter to druggies and lost cross country runners. After selling his hut during a perfectly timed real estate boom, Gunga scrounged up enough money to travel to campus. Upon Gunga’s arrival, equipment manager Blaine Austin took him in, offering him shelter in the corner of his “office.” He resides there to this day, living in a hidden wall compartment that only Blaine, Casillda, and for some strange reason, myself, know of. I have no idea how this information came to me. Perhaps it is made up. Since his move into the athletic equipment office, Gunga has become a huge part of the PA athletic program. More importantly, however, he has become extremely skilled at washing uniforms, t-shirts, and athletic socks. Nobody can run a higher number of productive rinse cycles overnight than Gunga. In addition, Gunga can perfectly operate a buffer, clean urinals, and sew “C’s” onto jerseys. He is truly a regular gorilla jack-of-all trades. The thing is amazing. Interests Gunga’s interests include exciting young teenagers at sporting events. Despite the fact that he is a gorilla, he is surprisingly quiet. He makes no noise, but instead continuously bangs his chest. He also wears clothes, usually a football jersey displaying the number 36, which is not at all the norm for gorillas. Then again, he is the child of two human beings, which also is not the norm for gorillas. In addition to attending Andover sporting events, Gunga enjoys eating thousands of pounds of bananas and comparing his feet to his hands, which happen to be strikingly similar, as he is a gorilla. He often makes Venn diagrams comparing and contrasting the two, noting the presence of more blisters on his feet, and the higher flexibility of his hands. His feet are also much hairier. His left hand has a ring on it, which he obtained when he came upon a tasty young corpse during a stroll through the sanctuary during the early years of his life. Famous Quotes “Go Andover!” “I’m really hungry. Perhaps I should eat a ton of bananas and a small human.” “GGGRRAAAAOOOORRGGHHHHHH!”
