The Eighth Page

John McCain

Age: 72 Political Party: Whig… No wait, what is that called in this century? Republican? Spouse: Cindy McCain (First action as first lady: free beer for everyone!) Hobbies: Being a maverick, cutting pork barrel spending, mavericking, playing with neckfat, doing maverick things VP Pick: Perfect 10 Biography Born at the age of 67, John McCain has always been old and grumpy. Upon exiting the womb, his mother could not have been more surprised: “He was just so… old! And he was yelling at me with such a loud voice, it was like he was half deaf! He was even born with dentures and yellow toenails. Everything about him was simply astounding.” His first word being “America,” McCain’s parents knew that he was destined to fight for our nation, so they enrolled him in the army on just his second day on Planet Earth. After suffering a traumatic head wound during his service, McCain began to bleed red, white and blue, when a perfect combination of our nation’s colors poured from atop his head. Interests Sen. McCain lives life to the fullest, which is evidenced in numerous facets of his life. McCain enjoys getting up early to go to the diner, storing all of his meds in a large tin which was formerly used for a British brand of cookies and telling those gosh darn rascals to get the heck off of his lawn. McCain holds the record for consecutive shuffleboard victories at the Albuquerque V.F.W., where he also serves on the board as President and organizer of weekend activities. McCain also enjoys viewing women and non-Caucasian people as slightly inferior to those of his own sex and race, living the early years of his life during the end of America’s racist and sexist era. Campaign McCain’s campaign has proven very strenuous as of late. Senator Obama is running a tough campaign opposite him, but McCain claims that he simply brushes all negative attacks off his shoulders. “His commercials? They don’t faze me,” McCain said, “I pay more attention to the Geritol ads, and with good reason, I suppose. And I’m not suggesting that Geritol would make a more qualified president than Senator Obama, but it would actually do something good for the elderly in our country, which is something Senator Obama does not plan to do if elected.” Policies While McCain holds strong opinions on many subjects, his faltering memory has hurt him quite badly. Senator McCain now writes down most of his ideas on napkins and post-it notes, leaving them scattered around the house so that he does not forget what he actually thinks.