The Eighth Page

Biden vs. Palin A Pre-Election Encounter

Fade in… Governor Palin and Senator Biden talk in the halls of Congress… the year is 2005 Palin: …and I’ve had 20/5 since that fateful day. Yessir, I can see across distances farther than most men can shake a stick at. It was all a part of God’s plan, though. Biden: That’s so interesting. Palin: Oh, well lemme tell you, I’m just a regular ole interesting gal. A brief moment of uncomfortable silence follows, until Biden receives a call on his cell phone and excuses himself momentarily… Biden: Yeah, Kennedy? I’m losing her man. I’ve tried everything you told me to… yeah. Mhm. Right, that’s genius. You are, as always, the king Ted. …Oh by the way, what is all this God nonsense? I’ve got a mission here and I don’t want God getting in the way… wow, really? She…at 18? Fine, see you later Ted… don’t drive home, alright? Hey, Kennedy? Do it. Just do it, alright? Do it. [Laughs.] No, I get to be Ben Stiller. Palin: Who ya talkin’ to over there Joe? Biden: Ultra important business calls. It’s what Senators do. Palin: Are you flexing? Biden: Me? No, I hate to break it to you baby, but this is what a real man looks like. But let’s talk more about you. Hey, tell me a little bit about being a hockey mom. Palin: Well, me and the gals have this joke: it goes, what’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit-bull? Biden: Can’t say for sure. Palin: Makeup! You know it works on two levels as well, because I could be talking about the genetic makeup of a human that happens to drive her kids to hockey versus that of a notoriously aggressive breed of dog! Biden gives a forced laugh… Palin: You bet your sorry hair plugs I’ve got a million of those little suckers. Wanna know the difference between hockey moms and Al Capone? The only “Prohibition” we’re fighting is the prohibition of good clean fun in America! No, but seriously, we hockey moms are tenacious motherfudgers, you know Senator? And let me tell you Joe, if there’s one thing America is attracted to for no legitimate reason, it’s the tenacity of screaming “You get ‘em, son!” during a hockey game loud enough to make others uncomfortable. They eat that stuff up. That’s the kind of stuff presidents are made of. Really, I can’t stress this enough. In my book, being a hockey mom has, in some way, prepared me to lead the country, should the day ever come when I have to. And millions of people agree with me. I’m serious. Biden: I couldn’t agree more with whatever you’re talking about. Is it true you almost won Miss Alaska? Biden’s phone rings and he excuses once again. Biden: Senator Stevens! What’s up man, I’m talking up that gal you got running Alaska right now. You don’t have to waste your breath telling me about how it won’t quit, I’m looking at it right now. Listen, you’ve been playing the game over sixty years, how do I close the deal here? Yeah… gotcha… you think that’ll work? Alright, Stevens, I hope you’re right. Hey, you and me are going fishing on your new yacht next week, right? If you’d prefer we can hop on your new private jet and head over to Amsterdam. I bet you would, you motorboatin’ son of a gun! Laughs. No, I get to be Vince Vaughn: we’ve gone over this… bye Stevens. Palin: Hey Joe, I’m startin’ to think you’re going to leave me high and dry here… what are all these phone calls about? Biden: Forget it, Sarah. Listen, what do you think about the two of us getting out of here? Palin winks provocatively at Biden. Fade out. Biden: Wait, what was that? Did you just have a mini-seizure? Don’t do that again, it’s really pretty startling.