The Eighth Page

Head of School Barbara Chase Makes Surprise Campus Visit

In a shocking turn of events, Head of School Barbara Chase made a brief appearance on campus this Wednesday. Chase, who has been notably absent from the premises this year, was originally slated to give a speech about PA diversity in Timbuktu. However, due to a miscommunication error, she landed at Logan International Airport instead. “At first, I had to ask myself if I really wanted to go back,” Chase said. “I mean, who was I to disrupt the day-to-day activities of the students? At the time, there wasn’t any obvious reason to make the stop. Then I remembered that I had been meaning to check if the new knitting needles I ordered had come yet.” The needles had indeed arrived the previous week and sources say that they are of the finest quality. In contrast, Chase’s visit drew mixed reactions. “It’s about time,” said Peter Piskatawat ’09, a four-year Senior. “I have some important issues I need to discuss that can only be addressed by Mrs. Chase. Namely, whatever happened to Taco Tuesdays?” Others were more enthusiastic about the surprise visit. “Thank God she’s back,” said Associate Head of School Becky Sykes. “There’s a ton of paperwork that needs to be done and… wait, what do you mean she just left? These forms don’t just sign themselves!” Chase’s frequent absences are due to her increasingly active role in the Academy capital campaign, which was launched last fall. In addition to her roles abroad as the school’s primary diplomat, chief fundraiser and diversity ambassador, Chase is also obliged to show up to occasional All-School Meetings. “Its not that we don’t want her to be at school with the students,” said Campaign Director Christine Atwood. “It’s just that we think her abilities are better utilized in other areas. For example, last week we had her pose for a photo with Japanese alumni while wearing this traditional Japanese kimono. Just stop and think about how much everyone will approve of that. It’s only a matter of time before the yen starts rolling in.” “Especially since the dollar is so weak,” added Atwood. With the economy in turmoil, the board of trustees has argued that the need for Chase to travel to remote areas and fundraise has increased tenfold. “We need more money,” said one member. “Our goal for the year is to fill our giant money bin with gold coins à la Scrooge McDuck. That would be sweet.” “I’m actually not a huge fan of the money bin,” said another trustee. “The more money in that bin, the less in my pockets. It’s a huge waste. Also, I think a lot of people underestimate the size of my pockets.” Chase hopes to fill the bin by next year, but foresees complications. “They force me to be on campus for a few days every year—Matriculation, Head of School Day and Commencement,” said Chase. “It’s really kind of inconvenient. I mean, they stop be from performing my actual duties as Head of School. Plus, it’s just my luck that they schedule all these so-called events on separate dates. Why can’t we just get all three out of the way at once?” At the moment, students need not worry about matriculating and graduating on the same day, but Chase’s unorthodox visit does bring a few issues to the table. “If she’s going to keep doing this, I don’t know if we’ll be able to accommodate her needs,” said Bridgette Ewing, Director of Needs. “We’re almost out of monogrammed napkins. Not to mention that blue sharks have been backordered since September. Eventually, the students will realize that they’ve been eating Sour Patch Kids this whole time.” But her visit has also drawn some unforeseen repercussions. Bertrum Williams ’12, a Junior in Rockwell, was asked to comment on the situation, to which he replied, “Barbara who?”