The Eighth Page

Features Classifieds

Homeless Man – Found in my basement, hasn’t moved for 3 days. Very quiet, will dance for food. Free upon request. Transportation not provided. 101.5 Dalmatians – $2.50/lb – Originally acquired for fur; became too annoying. One dog had accident with lawnmower. Contact Cruella DeVille 1-800-PUPPY BLOOD. 4+ History 300 Spring Research Paper – $25 – With revisions, could earn at least 5-/5. Teaching fellow grader now gone. Plagiarism undetectable. Bible- $5 or b/o – Special Bible embroidered with lace and silk. Works better than any sleeping pill to date. Real MA 22 yr. old ID – $50 – 7’2”, 296 lbs, long brown hair. No longer use because I’m now 27 and 7’11”. Expect lots of offers, so be quick. iPod Nano- $80 – Mint cond. Only problem is all Phish songs contain viruses and are irremovable (If you call this a problem). Deadly Tapeworm – Found in Venezuela, feeds on red meat and goat milk. VERY DANGEROUS, handle with caution. Slip into mother-in-law’s food for maximum enjoyment. Contact Dr. Julio-Vendegas, price to be determined. WANTED – Secret agent to retrieve sensitive data from Russian capital. Experience with international diplomacy, firearm usage, and being a BAMF required. No need to contact us, we will be in touch… 12-Speed Unicycle – Previous owner hit by car; unicycle and hyper drive generator still functional; attracts lots of attention, which is much needed if you actually ride a unicycle. Contact if you have no self-respect: Mad Max 1-800-EXT-REME Showcase Tickets to Beverly Hills Chihuahua – FREE –I don’t want to be seen with these. Used Death Star – $50 – Built last year for Star Wars Fan Club; fully operational. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. Any attack by the Rebels would be a useless gesture. 1/2 Pack of Oxy Acne Pads – Paid $4.99, will accept $2.25 – Am now acne free. Always pains me to throw away quality acne pads; please take these off my hands. Mint Cond. Heavy Duty Fanny Pack – $12 – Leather, functioning zipper, and pleasing feel against the waist. Upgraded to ’08 model this past summer. Applebee’s Takeout Sampler – $8.95 – Nachos, mozzarella sticks, shrimp poppers and jalapeño zingers. Ordered with a stomachache, and simply could not imagine eating it all. Human Hair for Beard – $15 – I swear, every strand of it comes from my face. Don’t believe me, rub it on your face and see for yourself. Jeff Gordon Placemats – $10 set/ $4 individually – Mint condition, prev. owner choked on corndog. #24 Dupont car and Jeff’s heavenly face on front. Address offers to Jimmy Bob at 555-HICK 1990 Geo Prizm- $650 – Minor larvae problem in upholstery, otherwise mint condition.