As the 2008 election approaches, Americans are considering the various pressing issues that face our nation. Many are worried about the failing economy, the war in Iraq and health care. However, the people who concern themselves with these issues are generally not speaking from any base of knowledge or experience at all. I know that the stock with which I’m most familiar is chicken stock to make delicious soup broths. When people talk about Iraq, I normally feel the urge to stop being so conceited. “You rock?! No way, dude, Iraq!” And as far as healthcare goes, I’m as healthy as a mule… with hepatitis… and herpes. But I get along, don’t I? I suppose that my point is that we don’t have all of the information that we need to make educated opinions about the items on the US government’s agenda. This is why I am taking this opportunity to go over the issues, to which I, an average, seventeen year old, American male, can speak intelligently. About a year ago, perhaps the most American sandwich in history began to be advertised down our throats: the Wendy’s Baconator. Yes, it has an enticing name. One that makes us think of both a robot sent from the future to save the past and our favorite meat-based side dish. It is a rare marketing ploy that allows for two such connotations at a time, but that little red-headed, pigtailed temptress showed us that where there’s a will there’s a way. Despite its clever name, the Baconator presents the American people with issues that they have never faced before. For one, when have we ever had to bite through six pieces of bacon arranged in a lattice formation? It has become a coveted skill among my countrymen to be able to get your share of ground beef, cheese, and mayonnaise without more bacon than you can handle. Furthermore, this burger leaves you more full than you have ever been. So full, in fact, that it may not suffice to simply unbutton your fly upon completion, but to take off your pants entirely. And here we stand—a sandwich that makes Americans spend money based on robotic allusions, put too much meat in their mouths at a time, and to disrobe in public! Perhaps Senator Obama should spend a little less time talking about welfare, and make an effort to address this fry-tening issue. I am an avid listener of the radio. Normally, being the hip young person that I am, I switch between the Boston-area alternative rock stations. But from time to time one needs a change. You see, it’s not easy being as indie as I am. And so, one day this summer I took a break and scanned over to Kiss 108, the top 40 station that I am sure you are familiar with. “Hey, this isn’t so bad,” I say to myself as I listen to the driving beat of the song playing. But then I get to what must have been the chorus. “I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry Chap Stick,” the bi-curious frontwoman sang. I, needless to say, was mortified. A song about girls kissing… other girls?! On the radio?! Is this allowed? Washington passed the Patriot Act so that they could tap our phone lines to hear stuff like this, when all they had to do was turn on pop radio! Oh, I’m all for the First Amendment, but this crosses a line. What’s next, “I spooned with a cat and I liked it, the smell of his chicken Meow Mix?” As you can see, this country’s integrity is going to Hell in a hand basket. I call on you, Senators McCain and Obama, to address the real issues here. The issues that are making us chew longer and question our sexual preferences harder. Oh, and we should try to get Celine Dion deported back to Canada. Soon.
