The Eighth Page

Presidential Debate 2008

Lehrer: Good evening, I’m Jim Lehrer, and welcome to the first in a series of three presidential debates. The studio audience behind me has been asked to remain silent through the debate, or face water boarding. Except for right now, when we can all give a warm welcome to the Democratic and Republican presidential nominees!??Does fist pump, tears shirt collar.??Lehrer: YEEEAAAHHH!??Keeps screaming unintelligible words.??Lehrer: WOOOO! YEAH! Obama.??Studio audience quiets down. Nominees shake hands vigorously and step up to their respective podiums.??Lehrer: We flipped a coin, and the first question of the night goes to you, Senator Obama. That’s how we decide things here in America. Now, in the midst of the country’s biggest economic crisis in the past few decades, varying levels of government have been attempting to find possible solutions and fixes to the economy. Senator McCain suspended his campaign for a week, wasting precious money and time and showing us what a jerk he is. Any plans as you get ready to step into the office, Senator Obama? What would you do as Commander-in-Chief to fix it all up??Obama: Great question, Jim. But I think that the question that we have to ask ourselves is this: how are we going to deal with the economy at hand? We need to bring the focus off of Wall Street and back to Main Street. It’s about – McCain: Excuse me. Excuse me, just a minute. You see, what Senator Obama doesn’t realize – what he doesn’t understand – is that our economic focus needs to be reconsidered. Main Street is now more important than Wall Street and we need to realize this. Lehrer: Senator McCain, that is the same point that Senator Obama just made. McCain: Perhaps, but I’m a Maverick. America needs trust and wisdom and experience right now, and I don’t think Senator Obama understands that. I understand. I understand economic crises and taxes because I’ve fought against them! You know, some call me the sheriff now because of the things I’ve done in Congress. I haven’t been elected Ms. Congeniality or anything like that because I understand. I understand things like taxes. I understand that the average South Korean is three inches taller than the average North Korean. And you can take that one to the books. Obama: Excuse me, Jim, but I have to point out that Senator McCain is not quite setting the facts straight. Senator McCain is absolutely right about the economic crisis at hand, and he’s also right about the South Korean statistic – I can’t argue that! But the fact of the matter is that right now America needs change. Change we can believe in. Change we can see. Change we can put in our pockets and accidentally leave in our pants when we throw them carelessly into the washing machine. So let’s be clear here – we’ve got to work together on this. It’s the only way. Day in, day out. Lehrer: I’m glad the two of you are so passionate about Main Street, but neither of you have answered my question. I’m starting to wonder if you even listen to my questions, or if you just argue fruitlessly with each other. Obama: I’d have to disagree with Senator McCain on that point. Lehrer: I’m sorry to cut you off, Senator Obama, but Senator McCain didn’t make a point. He didn’t speak. I was asking a question. Obama: Well, that’s not a recipe for change. Lehrer: Senator Obama, look, you’re beginning to speak only in key phrases. Obama: We can’t afford another four. McCain: Again, I’d have to disagree. It’s the evils of earmarking that have done it to us, and Senator Obama pushed that from the start. Lehrer: Jesus. Obama: That’s a fundamental difference between the two of us. McCain: It’s all about government pork-barreling. If you have to do it, you have to do it. Obama: Orgy. Lehrer: Well, that concludes the first in our series of three presidential debates. I’m Jim Lehrer, and I think I just became an alcoholic. Thank you, and good night.