The word “piffle” is funny, and it doesn’t mean anything at all. The sentence “Gary enjoys pizza.” is the opposite of piffle. I really don’t like sesame seeds. Their presence on an otherwise seedless meal usually ruins my week. If I were to associate one thing with the continent of Europe, it would be “torte.” Some words you can use when trying to impress someone (a waiter, a librarian, etc.): daguerreotype, comestibles, spareribs, jurisprudence. You know those Pokémon that were totally weak until they evolved and then they would just straight up dominate? I could never get them to evolve. In my opinion, the debate over who is the most marketable person in the world begins and ends with Steve Buscemi. Someone did a study. Even though there are six suspects, Colonel Mustard was the murderer 35 percent of the time. If I had the power to excommunicate people, I doubt I would use it responsibly. Remember Sanjaya? I miss the time when everyone was obsessed with pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis. “Hey, do you know what the longest word in the world is?” “Yeah, it’s pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis.” “Cool, I also know pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis is the longest word in existence. Let’s bond!” Ah, middle school. Someone sent me a Facebook invite to the quiz “If you were a mediocre lefty relief man for the Cubs in the 1980’s, who would you be?” It’s still sitting in my notifications. I’ve heard it said that childbirth is the most painful thing a human has to endure. I respectfully beg to differ. Exhibit A to the contrary: my super bad rug burn. If I had to take one book and one movie to a desert island, they would be Goodnight Moon and Two Weeks Notice. One of my favorite applications on my iPhone is the one that tells me how many applications I have. If someone were to try to prove that God did not exist, their first evidence should be the existence of a four o’clock mass. You ever think the people who slowly cannibalize Sour Patch Kids might have something wrong with them? Just put the little guy out of his misery, you psychopath. You know how in every episode of Seinfeld there is some sort of reference to Superman? Well, from now on all of my articles will contain a reference to eunuchs. Eunuchs. “Holy guacamole!” is an underused expression. If you ever hear me say “holy guacamole!” then some really crazy antics most likely just went down. It’s not a phrase I take lightly. Like, if someone was eaten by a tiger or passed a kidney stone, then maybe I would say it. If you say three syllables of gibberish followed by “-stan,” the odds are about 4 to 1 that you just named an underdeveloped former Soviet bloc country. Once, on “How It’s Made,” they showed how waste paper baskets, dish towels and individualized American cheese packets were made. Captivating television, that was. Is it possible that one could use science to determine the exact day that Tom Cruise stopped being a legitimate actor? Also, the day it got old to take shots at Tom Cruise would be nice to know. Did people just stop eating Tootsie Pops? Those commercials used to be on all the time. Registered sex offenders think they are too cool for school, so they cut class and smoke cigarettes behind the playground.
