If you give a mouse a cookie, he will probably explode. Just think about it: cookies are generally bigger than mice, so explosion must be the anticipated outcome. Especially if it’s a Double Stuf Oreo. When you throw in that extra filling, you’re just asking for it. Popsicles are dangerous things. They can be too cold and stick to your tongue, or they can be too warm and melt all over your clothes. The best solution: eat popsicle sticks straight up, like a man. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are interesting characters. They are all named after famous Italian artists (Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, Michealangelo), yet their lack of opposable thumbs leaves them unfit to paint… or even hold a paintbrush. Furthermore, the Turtles will never pass for Italians, what with their green complexions and all. Damn you, Splinter! This is all your fault, isn’t it?! If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been compared to Enrique Iglesias, I would have zero nickels. The autumnal equinox has reminded me that Halloween is just around the corner. Note to self: go buy Kanye West mask before they sell out! Corn dogs have to be the most delicious kind of dog. They are easy to eat, wrapped in bread, and you can dip them in your favorite condiments. Does anyone else need to stifle their laughter when they say the word “condiments,” just because of its initial similarity to the word “condom?” No? Oh… okay. The ice caps are melting and polar bears are floating around in the ocean. Yes, I realize that it is a very sad affair to watch a polar bear cub search and search for land until he drowns. But let’s think about this pragmatically for a moment. We must remember Darwin’s theory of evolution. The polar bear will surely evolve into some sort of Super-Bear, complete with snorkel gear, tusks, purple fur, eyes that shoot lasers and a box of Ritz crackers always on hand. I rarely laugh out loud when I write “haha” into Facebook messenger. Yes, I use Facebook messenger. Regularly. It is an entirely different story, however, when I write “hahahaha.” This means you’ve tickled me pretty well. Pearl Jam is one of the most annoying bands of all time. For one, they mix politics with rock n’ roll. Secondly, in the mid-eighties I was planning to form a band called Pearl Toast. It used to be cool… now it’s just tacky. How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck hadn’t chucked so much wood as a Little Leaguer and ended up getting Tommy John surgery on both of his elbows? To Kill a Mockingbird is a great book. Some stuff gets left in a tree, there’s this guy named Boo and the children put on a school play. I can’t remember much else, but it seems pretty tame to me. If I were a Food Network chef, I would refuse to wear the funny hat. I would be like The Barefoot Contessa, except that I would actually not have any shoes on. Ray Bans are for those who are hip. Bifocals are for those who need a new one.
