Now, the two of us are not usually the type of people who like to cause a panic but… WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE! That’s right, you read correctly, the apocalypse is here. Whether it be from the recent LHC project in Europe that will make a black hole here on earth, the ancient Mayan prophecy that the world will end in 2012, or that Rosie O’Donnell will have herself a game of hopscotch and shake the Earth towards a collision with Venus, we guarantee you that this year’s freshmen will not graduate alive (and we all know how much everyone hates a graduation without graduates!). Now, this means not only that Macy’s will be having an “End of the World Sale” and that emo kids across the globe will host the one time only “End of the World Party,” but also that now is the time to atone for all your wrong doings and do some good. Just kidding! Forget forgiveness — let’s have some fun and do everything we have always wanted. —Rick Roll Rick Astley. He’ll just be happy to have been recognized. —Punt an elf. Try for four to five seconds of hang time. —Kill a snowy owl. The massive amounts of bloodshed will make it a Ruby Owl. —Punch Paris Hilton in the throat. —Sneak into Mexico. —Find anyone who won a Guitar Hero Contest and beat them with a real guitar. —See the Rolling Stones in concert or go to a nursing home. It’s pretty much the same experience. —Catch a previously punted elf. Run it back for six. —Reopen Ryley and watch hours upon hours of Urkel with the Commons woman who finds it hilarious. —Help Jack Bauer kill terrorists by overacting. —Intercept an elf. Run it out of bounds and stop the clock. —Meet some Scientologists and have them explain their doctrine to us. We haven’t heard a good science fiction story in a while. —Shoot Dick Cheney in the face so that he will apologize to us. —Read a good article in the Arts Section. (This is probably not feasible). —Witness an eating contest between the Olsen twins. Hell, I could just buy food off the dollar menu and they might not make it to four dollars before they pass out from exhaustion. —After getting into field goal range, run the clock to 3 seconds and spike the elf. —Find out how many STDs James Bond had. —Beat President Bush in Scrabble… three times… with our eyes closed… while on meth… and very tired. No, no, no. That’s too easy. —Put that little tyke through the uprights. —Make Mrs. Chase turn her cell phone off. —Give a hippie a sponge bath in a big tub. Then drown said hippie in said tub. —Get Commons to have chair-less Wednesdays. —Rent every movie at the library and replace it with About Schmidt. It would cost a lot but be totally worth it. —Force Michael Bay to make a movie with no special effects. He will either die of confusion or make a movie so bad it will make a regular Michael Bay movie look good. —Start a cult…or a chess club. —Find anyone who liked Disaster Movie and lock them in Gary Busey’s basement and leave them at his disposal. —Clothe the homeless… in funny outfits. Then point and laugh. —Save a horse, ride a cowboy. —Get to the middle of a Tootsie Pop in two licks. —Visit the Brace Center to prove its existence.
