The Eighth Page

B.J. Garry’s Next

Perhaps the most beautiful program to ever grace television, MTV’s reality-dating show Next has completely revolutionized television, nay, the world. The show features one person who goes on five dates. The instant the date becomes awkward or boring, this person has the opportunity to end the date, give the other person a dollar for every minute the date lasted and then move on to the next contestant. You can see how the show truly captures the reality of dating. Unfortunately, the “anti-Next” crowd can’t possibly understand my Next passion. Like one time, last year, my teacher got “angry” with me when my watch alarm went off at 8:27 in the morning during a Spanish test when I screamed “IT’S NEXT TIME!” at the top of my lungs and I sprinted out of Sam Phil. You see, there was a Next mini-marathon at my dorm that started at 8:30. Obviously, I’m serious about the show, and I recently watched an episode of Celebrity Next at 4:30 a.m. on MTV6 that I feel compelled to share with you all. Al Gore – Invented the Internet. – Seriously, he invented the Internet. – No joke. Dater: Hey, good to meet — Al Gore: I was elected president. I got more votes than George W. Bush. Dater: Uhh… [glances nervously at producers] So I was thinking we could— Al Gore: I won the Nobel Prize. Dater: [Pause] Okay. So I was thinking we could go mini-golfing for our – Al Gore: I made An Inconvenient Truth. That was me. I did it all by myself. Dater: Okay. Next? Chewbacca -Enjoys knitting and traveling. -One person he wants to meet: Toby Keith. -Enjoys philosophy and reading with his book club. Dater: Oh my god, what is that? Chewbacca: Auuuuuunnnnnnhhhhhhh! Grrf grrf! (Loosely translated to English as: Howdy there! My name is Chewbacca. You may recognize me from the Star Wars films!) Dater: Ewww, next! Chewbacca: Waaaaaarrrrfffff, urnfhhhh! (Come on, I have a nice personality!) Some old guy MTV found on the street because they ran out of celebrities -Wants all those stupid pranksters on their skateboards to get off his lawn. -President of the Boca Raton, FL Murder, She Wrote Fan Club. -Was in “the war.” Dater: Hi, I’m Shandra. Old Guy: What? Dater: Shandra, my name’s Shandra. Old Guy: You know, Mary Beth, back in ’32, I paid 15 dollars for a Model-T Ford. Dater: Oh… well, okay. I was… Old Guy: [Interrupting] Now you can’t even buy those erection pills for 15 dollars. [Prolonged silence] Old Guy: So Rhonda, lemme tell you a story about me and this fella Herb from the service… [Half hour later] Old Guy: So that was my fifth colonoscopy, and I tell the Doc, “Shucks Doc, if you really liked me, you’d ask me out on a date!” [Hysterical laughter] Dater: Okay, that’s… great. Um… you’re the last contestant, and my producers want me to ask if you’d like 35 dollars or the chance to go on a second date with me. Old Guy: [Suddenly serious] Gimme my money. —B.J. Garry