Bonjour, or “hello,” as you Americans say. My name is Pierre Ratatouille Baguette, the manager, owner and part-time fry-chef for Le Château de Featur, the finest French restaurant in the greater Sandusky area. To begin, let me tell you a little about myself and why I have the best French restaurant in the south greater Sandusky, Ohio area. I hail from Ontario, Canada, and I am half French-Canadian, half Jewish (with a little German and Nigerian mixed in). I have a degree in anthropology from the University of West Louisiana Community College, and, like most people who major in anthropology, I did not intend to have a career following my two and a half years in college. I decided to start a restaurant when my novelty children’s toy company went under. Apparently, Terrorist G.I. Joe was too offensive when we had him say “Die American Pigs” before blowing up in the child’s hand. So after burning the factory down and killing all the investors, I skipped town to come here where I opened up Le Château de Featur with one vision—to have the finest restaurant/underground cockfighting ring on Miller street, located in the southern greater Sandusky area. I feel as though this goal has been accomplished. At Le Château de Featur, we personally inspect every dish to see that it has no more than three percent cyanide (How else do we get rid of the rat problem?) and that the drinks have enough alcohol so that you’ll look like Ray J if she squints. But what truly makes this restaurant special is the service. In fact, we now have a 100 percent semi-English speaking wait staff, 40 percent of whom know how to write down your orders. And, following our seventh kitchen fire last week, the restaurant now has a sweet aroma of pine, spruce and Maria’s singed hair, which is sure to make your senses go wild. Also, we will soon be featuring entertainment on Fridays, one act of which will be Gary Coleman performing his one man show: “Watcha Talkin’ ‘bout, Bankruptcy?” And finally, Le Château de Featur is now completely wireless, allowing for one to eat, watch Gary Coleman, bet on cockfights, watch adult films and avoid that restraining order by chatting online all at once! So come on down to Le Château de Featur. I promise it will soon be your favorite French Cuisine restaurant on 3rd Miller street of the southern greater Sandusky Area (After Andre’s, their food is delicious). Sincerely, Pierre Ratatouille Baguette
