If you haven’t realized it yet, our campus is probably half-covered in a sea of asphalt. There are paths just about anywhere you can think of, which means that there are path dwellers lurking around every corner. Those vague acquaintances of yours seem to enjoy jumping out and attempting to start conversations about your day. Well, now you know how to handle (and in some cases avoid) these awkward confrontations. The Cell Phone Move Whenever you can’t assess the situation, your go-to tactic for avoiding awkward encounters should be The Cell Phone Move, especially with large groups of people. Description: Whip out your cell phone and pretend like you’re texting a “friend” or checking what time it is. If things get dire, you may want to employ the patented “one-sided conversation with your nonexistent mother” maneuver. Works every time. Plus, as an added bonus, everyone will think you’re super popular!! The Nod Employed by “mad bros,” the nod (preferably upwards) serves as a universal notice of acknowledgement for students everywhere. With a well placed “no homo” or “sup,” the Nod is one of the more effective tools in establishing yourselves as a bona fide pathway superstar. Description: Step 1: Bend your neck upwards. Step 2: Relax neck. Step 3: Put your junk in the box. And that’s the way you do it. The Look-Down One shouldn’t be ashamed of avoiding eye contact on the pathway, as the Look-Down has proven to be a consistently effective method of getting out of awkward situations by refusing to confront them. Description: Look down. Concentrate on the ground. Be wary of the premature head raise, as it may result in an even more awkward confrontation. Whatever you do, make sure to avoid other pathway obstacles, especially fellow students employing the same method coming from the opposite direction. The Faint Hello Two students on a collision course may in some instances be unsure of whether recognition is appropriate under the circumstances. One particularly unfortunate result of this lack of self-confidence is The Faint Hello. Likely too soft to be heard by the potential recipient, the giver of the FH is often left wondering whether they have just been snubbed. Description: Hi. (Thoughts: Why didn’t he/she respond? Do they think they’re better than me or something? Just because this is the fourth day in a row I have worn this shirt doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. If you prick me, do I not bleed? Jerk.) The Schizophrenic Used only as a last resort. The Schizophrenic is an easy tactic to use, but a difficult one to master (like ConnectFour!). Characterized by fluctuations in voice level, one’s rants must be carefully planned and rehearsed beforehand in order to gain maximum legitimacy. If those who you run into think that you’re clinically insane, then all the better. You have been spared having to ever exchange pleasantries with this person again! Description: Ohhhh… I love Sour Patch Kids so much. They are the most delicious kids I’ve ever tasted in my life. Mmmmm… children. I eat them for SNAX! —Alex Moss, Lawrence Dai
