The Eighth Page

Local Idiot “Didn’t Enjoy” The Dark Knight

A local adult man is facing heated public opposition for openly stating that he didn’t enjoy The Dark Knight. The family of the man has asked that his name remain anonymous, in fear that Batman enthusiasts may attack their loud, obnoxious relative. The man allegedly went to see the film with a group of friends on a Saturday night. “Friends? What friends?” asked Marc Walters, manager of Showcase Cinemas. “He came in alone. And what’s this about not liking The Dark Knight? It was soooo awesome. Anyone who didn’t like that movie is clearly a moron.” After the film was over, the man began to voice his hateful opinion. He was reported saying, “How can people appreciate this film? I wasn’t drawn into the complexities of the characters, due to their mediocre performances; furthermore, the cinematography was sub-par for such a high budget film.” “What a dick,” said fellow moviegoer Ryan Pepper. “Just because that idiot didn’t enjoy the greatest movie of all time doesn’t mean he has to ruin it for the rest of us. I mean, did you see Heath Ledger’s performance? It’s easily Oscar-worthy.” The Dark Knight (not to be confused with the recent pornographic film, The Dark Night) tells the heroic tale of how a part bat, part man, stops an insane villain from unleashing total chaos on an unsuspecting Gotham City. The heart-pounding thriller stole the show and viewers’ money at most theaters. After criticizing Christian Bale’s gruff Batman voice, the man was promptly escorted out of the theater by security guards. “The man must be under the influence and therefore can’t comprehend the movie’s supreme awesomeness,” said one guard. Upon hearing this news, the man’s wife and kids had reportedly moved out and have refused to speak to the man on any terms. The man’s mother said to reporters, “That boy ain’t got no place in my house. He’s Satan here on Earth.” This claim, although likely true, is yet to be confirmed and is under a full investigation by authorities. The word that someone didn’t enjoy The Dark Knight spread like wildfire and the following day, the man received hundreds of letters in the mail containing expletives, threatening messages, and deadly spores of anthrax. The man, fearful for his life, contacted police who said, “We have found nothing wrong with the situation in regards to the actions of Batman fans. We would kindly ask [the man] to see the film again and retake his comments before we are obliged to use deadly force.”