The Eighth Page

Guide to Awkward Classroom Moments

The first few days in a new school are defined by one thing and one thing only: awkward classroom moments. However, a few things that you are more likely to see within the first few days — hair in your food, your roommate naked and Herb Morton. Luckily, I’m here to tell you how to handle these uncomfortable classroom situations. Watch What You Say DO NOT say “God Bless You.” Not only do atheists not believe in God, but they will also chop off your big toes and brand “Juicy” into your ass with a coat hanger if you have this supposed “God” bless them. Let them blow unholy snot all over their black jeans and long fingernails and go unblessed; the toes aren’t worth it. DO use the term “Asian.” Someone always makes the mistake of calling the Korean kid in class Chinese; that person was I. Just stick with the general term “Asian.” To give an analogy that you may be more familiar with, consider aliens. While the majority of them are obviously from Mars, everyone knows there are also large alien populations on Jupiter’s three closest moons and Venus. You would never go around calling Jupiterians “Venusians” or Venusians “Martians”—that would just be silly! Hence, the common term “alien.” Hand Raising Tips DO raise your hand to give a comment or input. DO NOT raise your hand for permission to stand and zip your fly. DO raise your hand to itch your armpit more easily. DO NOT raise your hand when you do not know the answer. “I forgot what I was going to say” does not count as class participation you lying scumbag. DO raise your hand before striking the girl next to you square in the face. This extra distance between your fist and her face will provide momentum and maximize the pain on her part. The raised hand and clenched fist will also alert the class that you are about to punch out the annoying girl next to you. When to Swear DO swear when reading angry poetry about a girlfriend who cheated on you with five guys, two girls and a dog in one night. DO NOT swear if you misread a Bible verse in Rel/Phil class down in the chapel basement. God’s always listening. DO swear if you dive into the shallow end of the pool in gym class. DO swear on Grandparents’ Day. This will make the older folks feel comfortable and will truly bring out their inner angry/sexist/racist selves. Don’t Laugh Too Loudly When Reading My Articles in Class This will be the most difficult task because I am absolutely hilarious. Not to sound self-centered or anything, but I am really, really funny. Like seriously, it’s just ridiculous how funny I am. I don’t know why — I guess it’s just a God-given talent. Some people are good looking, some are smart, and some are really funny. Luckily I’m all three. I’m the real deal. The bees-knees. The shiznit. Sometimes, I wish that God had taken one or two of my many amazing qualities and divided them up between a few of the many dumb, ugly people of the world, but unfortunately he gave them all to me and I have to live with it. Sorry pathetic freaks! —Billy Fowkes